Many of the books I’ve been reading recently have centered around sibling rivalry and the tensions that build up within families. I suppose that isn’t surprising, as a significant percentage of our intimate relationships are family-related. Speaking for myself, it was only later in life that I was able to accept my two sisters for who they were, not who I wanted them to be, and when I could do that, I discovered these two amazing women. For years, I was disappointed when they didn’t meet my unspoken expectations, but isn’t that the issue for all relationships? Accepting each other just as we are, with all our strengths and weaknesses, can be a challenge. We want them to be different. We think we know what is best for them or how they should act or react. We load our expectations on them, especially our family members, because we have this unacknowledged expectation that they should be more like us, think like us, react like us, have the same kind of drives, abilities, or goals as us. And then we are disappointed when they don’t meet our expectations.
Acceptance is the foundation of the 12-step program. Acceptance is admitting that we are powerless over others and most of what happens around us. When we can accept what is, we open the way for change, but if we refuse to accept what is, we get stuck. Nothing can change until we accept our starting point. I remember one of my counselors laying a map out on his desk and using it as an illustration as to why I felt stuck at that point in my life. He pointed out that if I am going on a trip, I can’t get there if I refuse to accept my starting point. That visual image made a deep impression on me. It was difficult to accept my starting point, but I came to accept I could never achieve what I wanted in life if I didn’t accept who I was, where I was, the issues I was dealing with, etc.
We’ve been studying the Sermon on the Mount in our church discussion group. Much of it can sound and feel pretty legalistic and has been used that way by many churches. But if we are able to step back and realize that what Jesus is addressing is not just our actions but, more importantly, our intentions, our hidden thoughts, our fears, our manipulations, our expectations, etc., things open up. Time after time, he says “It’s been said, but I say unto you” and then shifts from behavior to what’s going on inside of us, our fears, our feelings, our harbored grudges… but I think you get the idea. He is not being legalistic. What he is doing is challenging us to look inside of ourselves and to try to not just understand why we do what we do, why we feel as we feel, why we are so angry or unhappy in our marriage, or wanting to get even, but to challenge ourselves to reach for a higher standard for ourselves. Once we understand our own motivations, we are better able to accept ourselves and others and to make an attempt to understand where they are coming from. Doing that isn’t easy, but let’s face it, it is a lot simpler than holding a grudge for twenty years, or refusing to speak to a sister because of something she did in high school, or assuming the worst about another group of people. Rarely, if we are honest, are there any things that warrant our holding a grudge for years and years.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things {and people} I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can {starting with myself} and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen