Unknowing

I am supposed to have a sermon ready for this Sunday if our scheduled speaker is not able to come because of health issues.  I’ve gone over the sermon notes that came with the lectionary, and they are really interesting, but they don’t sound like me or speak to me.  I swing back and forth between a personal and an impersonal God.  I certainly don’t blame God for the messes we are in; they are the inevitable consequences of our beliefs and actions.  Why should we expect God to swoop in and save us from ourselves when we are unwilling to do that which could actually turn things around for us?

The question we each need to ask is “Who or what is the God of your understanding?”  And, let’s face it, there is nothing simple in that question.  Part of us clings to that childhood belief in the old man in the sky who rewards the good and punishes the bad, but the emotional and spiritual part of us longs for something different.  Something more.  Something elusive.  Something mysterious.  Something beyond our human understanding.  And yet that is not satisfying either, for we also want something tangible, something dependable, something personal that we can cling to, something that undergirds our being and gives meaning to being human.  It’s a coundrum, as my husband used to say.    

And so we pray, perhaps not so much to awaken a sleeping God but to awaken that undefinable essence that sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom.  That essence that speaks to when we are awed by a sunset, when everyone in a room is suddenly aware of some other presence, when we are alone, our minds at rest,  and something seems to fill the room,  or that essence that sometimes transforms the rituals we practice into something transformative.

I honestly cannot tell you who or what the God of my understanding is.  I have outgrown much of Christian theology and language at this stage of my life, yet I profoundly believe there is a power greater than what we humans know.  I have internalized the teachings of Jesus that keep expanding with my aging understanding.  I believe some power undergirds the cosmos that lies behind the Big Bang.  I believe that we are each an infinitesimal part of that power and that if we take the time to be quiet, we will sometimes hear whispers of reassurance, whispers of hope, whispers that provide direction in our beautiful but struggling world.