Acceptance opens the door to almost everything in life. So much of our suffering stems from our refusal to accept what already is…not as fatalism and apathy… but as an opportunity for change. That’s why Step One of the 12 steps states: “admitted we are powerless over drugs and alcohol (insert your current situation or problem) and that our lives have become unmanageable.” When we cling to our illusions of control, we stay locked within our self-limiting judgments, criticisms, expectations, denial, anxiety, and despair. It is impossible to relax, be happy, or have hope when we are afraid to face reality. How can we be hopeful when we are locked in denial? When we refuse to accept what is?
A Tibetan saying goes: “Why be unhappy about something if it can be remedied? Even more so, what is the use of being unhappy if it cannot be remedied?” Once we can see life in its wider perspective, once we see ourselves more honestly, once we can laugh at ourselves and accept life even with all its pain and imperfections, acceptance becomes the opposite of resignation and defeat. In fact, those who are most involved in making this world a better place are realists. They know their limitations, yet they still choose to do what they can to improve life for themselves and others. We cannot succeed if we are unwilling or unable to accept our starting place. For instance, before anyone can get sober, they have to own their alcoholism. Donald Trump’s greatest failure has been his unwillingness to accept reality. He lives in a fantasy world that is so far from real he’s willing to tear the country apart by refusing to admit he lost the election, or accepting that he is not above the law.
I turned 87 last November, so I’m trying to approach old age with the same verve of a woman I met many years ago. She declared her pet peeve was anyone saying you don’t look that old. “I’m 97,” she told us. “I’ve outlived both of my husbands and sons, and I’ve enjoyed four separate professional careers. Now that I’m all bent over like a pretzel and have trouble walking, I’ve decided to do something I’d never found time for when I was more active…writing children’s stories.” That’s the way I want to grow old … not giving in to the infirmities of my years but accepting my increasing physical limitations by finding challenging and interesting ways to develop new skills, stay involved, and still make a contribution to society.
Step 11 tells us we can improve our conscious contact with the God of our understanding by praying, meditating, and focusing on seeking God’s will for our lives and the courage to carry that out. Or, as Archbishop Tutu put it, “The question is not how we escape frustrations and hardships, but how can we use them to become something positive?”
By accepting what is, we can go beyond appearances and relate to the world in more appropriate and realistic ways. Acceptance is not passive. Acceptance is active. Acceptance is empowering. Acceptance is enlightening. Acceptance takes life seriously, seeking to make positive changes, redeeming what needs redemption, and releasing those habits and ideas that hold us back. Acceptance does not hate those who do hateful things but is compassionate toward them. While our inclination may be to punish or become angry when others hurt us, the compassionate thing is to find ways to help prevent them and ourselves from inflicting harm on ourselves and others.