Health & Fitness

Somebody once said there is no difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones aside from the way we use them.  Life has taught me that while one can put a stumbling block in my way, I am the one who decides whether I am going to use those stones to get ahead in life.  The older I get,  the more I realize the most important thing we can do is recognize that our path in life is actually built out of stepping stones instead of stumbling blocks.  What seemed at first to be a terrible barrier has inevitably turned out to be an opportunity.  Like  Madge, ” the voice of our car’s GPS, I often need to stop and recalculate. Of course, life is filled with uneven patches, bumpy roads,  and stony barriers.  Sometimes I am confronted with giant boulders that threaten to destroy my faith  — as when my husband died.  Yet, knowing that even in the face of heartbreak and death, I still am the one who has the opportunity to decide how to respond gives me a sense of hope and serenity.  While I can’t control most of what happens, I always have a say in how I will respond. One of the biggest stumbling blocks I’ve encountered over the years has been a tendency toward self-doubt and shame when dealing with the consequences of past mistakes and failures.  It can be tempting to run away from reality or to blame others for my own inadequacies, but I am learning to accept what is without judgment.  In fact, accepting “this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it” is one of the most helpful tools I’ve gained over the years.  After all, I can’t turn my stumbling blocks into stepping stones if I refuse to accept what actually is.  Many times I have longed to give up, to hang on to resentment and rejection, but in time what seemed like an incredible barrier turned into an opportunity to move me into God’s open and inviting future. Obstacles need not keep us from experiencing the good in life.   Frequently, what starts as an obstacle can point us in new directions.  What may seem frightening and overwhelming can become an opportunity if we’re willing to change and adapt. Self-pity never helps anyone, but changing the things we can change (even if it’s just our attitude) has this way of opening doors.  After all, our success lies not in never failing or making mistakes but in accepting hardship as the pathway to peace,  trusting that He will make all things right if we surrender to His will.  In time I learned that instead of being ashamed that alcoholism is part of our family history, I am both grateful and proud that we’ve been able to turn tragedy into triumph, self-hatred into humility, and fear into faith.         Rebirth and resurrection is the central theme of our Christian faith;  that,  in Christ, there is no failure or death. There is only the ongoing process of creation. new beginnings, transformation, resurrection, rebirth.  Tennyson said it well when he wrote in his poem In Memoriam,” Men may rise on stepping stones of their dead selves to higher things, ”  or as John wrote in the prologue to his Gospel,  “the Light-Life blazed out of the darkness, and the darkness could never put it out.” 

It’s easy to fall into the habit of simply mouthing the words to familiar Scripture verses, slogans,  or prayers such as The Lord’s Prayer or The Serenity Prayer instead of carefully pondering the words.  When I really think about what I’m praying, I often find one special phrase jumps out, such as “accept the things I cannot change,” or “thy will, not my will,” or “let go, let God” or “accepting this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it”  Somehow Focusing on a phrase helps me gain some insights into myself and what I can actually do to help myself. Acceptance is one of the most important skills we can acquire, not because acceptance allows us to opt out or stop caring, but because acceptance is essential to any meaningful problem-solving.  How can we detach, change something, gain insights, or develop new awareness if we refuse to accept the reality of our situation?  How can we discern what options we might discover if we insist this is happening instead of that? As one of the Al-Anon readings says, “The Serenity Prayer suggests I ask God ‘for the courage to change the things I can.”  The word is things, not people.  True, there is much room for improvement in my life, but it can come only from changing my own attitudes and actions for the better.  In every problem, great and small, the Serenity Prayer will work for me if I keep aware of its meaning every time I say it.” 

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.“  (Thorton Wilder)   I gaze out the window. The sun is shining after days of pounding rain.  I am grateful for days of gloom as our Mother Earth needed a long refreshing drink.  Yet I am very grateful for today’s sunshine, its nourishing rays illuminating the beauty that is spring in Adams County.     I am thankful gratitude does not require me to shut out my other feelings, some of which are dark and painful. I am thankful gratitude does not banish my brokenness but allows me to better learn the lessons life has to teach.   I am thankful that gratitude offers a sturdy container in which to grieve and wrestle with my brokenness and this world’s pain.   I am thankful that gratitude provides the context for better accepting and responding to my experiences.. The practice of gratitude will always be a challenge for me as it’s easy to allow the hurts and fears of the moment to take over.  As a recovering control freak, I struggle to let go and let God.  I find it hard to step back and wait for things to unfold at the right time, not mine.  Yet, I also know that even in the worst of times,  life is absolutely amazing,   I am grateful that I’ve finally come to understand that my life’s work is loving this world, including its disappointments, heartaches, and happiness.  In the end, a meaningful life is not so much about obtaining or maintaining power, prestige, and possessions but giving and receiving love and paying it forward. When I am caught up in fears about all the things that could possibly go wrong, and most likely will, I am grateful I can also appreciate the many unanticipated blessings that are also on their way.  As Henri Matisse and Claude Monet demonstrated in their wonderful impressionistic paintings, there are beauty and flowers everywhere for those of us who choose to see where they hide in plain sight.  Gratitude, after all,  is the simple act of acknowledging the good we already have in our lives.  In the end, gratitude is the foundation for abundance… physical, emotional, and spiritual.  Learning how to not just function,  but to live fully following my husband’s death,  has been a struggle.  Yet I can gratefully say I have come to this place in life where I am able to cherish gratitude as the doorway to wonder.  Being able to approach life with an attitude of gratitude is a gift more precious than gold.

A number of you commented on my recent blog about detoxing our brains.   Here are some additional concepts and thoughts that may help you detox from negative self-directed messages.  They’ve certainly got me thinking about the many ways I create problems for myself. –What they say about me says a lot more about them than it does me. –Guilt is fear turned inward.  When you feel guilty, look for what you resent.  Guilt makes it hard to set boundaries. –What are you willing to do to be part of the solution? –Recovery does not guarantee me anything, but it does give me options. –A boundary is not about punishment; it’s about purpose –  to take care of yourself. –Forgiveness is letting go of the expectation that you can have a better yesterday. –There are no good things and bad things.  There are only things I like or dislike. –Life is not an equation.  There is a vast difference between acceptance and complacency. –Just remember; the only normal people are the ones you don’t know well! More thoughts to ponder I just finished reading Jodi Picoult’s The StorytellerSome ideas and quotes from Jodi Picoult’s The Storyteller, which deals with the Holocaust.   Here are some quotes or ideas that got me thinking. “When a freedom is taken away from you, I suppose you recognize it as a privilege, not a right. ”   I find it sad that we have to lose certain freedoms before we recognize that much of what we take for granted are really privileges that we need to value and protect. “When the war ended, this is what it took getting used to.  The comfort.  I couldn’t sleep on a mattress for a long time.  I’d take a blanket and sleep on the floor.”   I have been thinking about my response to comfort and suffering…how detached I am from the reality of others’ experiences.  What makes me the saddest is that we don’t seem to learn from history; we humans are still dehumanizing our brothers and sisters and killing anyone who gets in our way.  “Sometimes words are not big enough to contain all the feelings you are trying to pour into them.” We need words in order to think, yet some of life’s experiences are just too overwhelming to describe, let alone live through.  Those of us who have never experienced war, racial and ethnic discrimination, religious bigotry, etc. can only imagine what true suffering is.  Yet we need to try! “After what the Germans’ did to you, how could you forgive them?  I could never forgive the officer for killing my best friend…because it is not my place to forgive him.  That could only be done by Darija, and he made that impossible by killing her.”    I’ve never thought of forgiveness in this sense – that we cannot or should not forgive in absentia.   If forgiveness is untying the knots that bind us to the past, are there times when we need to remember and relive not to perpetuate a cycle of violence and revenge but to ensure something similar never happens again? “History isn’t about dates and places.  It’s about the people.”  How would our understanding of The Civil War or our treatment of Native Americans be different if we looked back on slavery as the story of the affected people, not economics, power, wealth, or status?  Tragically history tends to be written from the perspective of the winners, not those who are most deeply affected by the decisions made by the rich and powerful. “I don’t believe in God.  But sitting here, in a room filled with people who do, I realized that I do believe in people.  In their strength to help each other and to thrive despite the odds.  I believe the extraordinary trumps the ordinary any day.  I believe that having something to hope for– even if it’s just a better tomorrow – is the most powerful drug on the planet.”   Amen and amen.

  “It’s not the answers you get but the questions you ask, that’s all important,” my dad used to tell me.  He was convinced that it’s in framing our questions that we begin to define the various components making up an issue or problem. I thought of Dad this morning when I read one of the essays in Brianna Wiest’s 101 Essays that Will Change the Way You Think.   Her topic?  “Why We Subconsciously Love to Create Problems for Ourselves.”  Here is a brief synopsis of her essay. She starts out by saying, “ We absolutely love to make problems for ourselves.   We worry needlessly, we choose immobility, we resist acceptance, we externalize our power, we surrender our ability to choose . . . when really it is up to us to decide how to react when to change, what to entertain our minds with.  And we worry because we love it.  Whether it is because we feel  being enmeshed in problems and having been through something is what gives our lives meaning, but since we are the ones who make them, we are the ones who can overcome them.”  “We craft our worries and victories subconsciously,  for if we didn’t like worrying so much, we probably wouldn’t do it incessantly, for worry makes us feel alive.  It feeds some part of us that modernization has robbed us of.  What are we surviving?  What’s the point?  Why?  When everything has an answer, what is there to do?   If everything has a solution, what is there to consider to work toward?  Why do we need to feel excited about accomplishments rather than settle for what we already have?  What exists within us that is so unsettled we cannot be at peace?” She goes on to suggest:  “I think we create our own problems in order to address the things we know would otherwise become issues outside of our control.  We make them in ways that allow us to heal, cope, and acknowledge whatever we want to get to. . . before some other heartbreaking, external circumstance does it for us.  We create our problems knowing we will eventually have solutions and safely deal with them…  So really, it’s  a matter of being aware enough to understand what our issues  are and that we are asking ourselves to heal them.” It’s that last line that grabs me and inspires me.  It’s not worrying and creating specific problems that are important, but the awareness and confidence in ourselves that by understanding the problems facing us, we gain the resources we need to actually resolve and heal our problems and become better persons.

As news cycle follows news cycle, I find special meaning in a line from The Little Prince.   “And now here is my secret, a very simple secret.  It is only with the heart that one can see rightly.  What is essential is invisible to the eye.“   Is that why we humans find working together so difficult?   Families alienated?  When every decision becomes a competition?  When the common good is overlooked for the thrill of one-upmanship?   Why is it so easy to ignore the murmurs of our hearts,  ignore the whispers of our souls? The more I listen to the news and observe human nature, the more I become aware of the importance of love and kindness as a commitment, not a  feeling.   It’s one thing to revel in the excitement and joy of passion, touching, hugging,  love making, to be on the receiving end of affirmation, affection, and care-taking.  It’s another thing, altogether, to willingly set aside one’s own interests and aspirations to enable a loved one or group to flourish.   I never doubted our children’s affection for their dad when he was sick, yet recalling the many ways they choose to put their own lives on hold to help care for him, continues to humble me..  At some point in their growing up, they quietly shifted from taking us for granted as their parents and replaced their childhood dependence with their own version of “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.” All this brings to mind the familiar image of the praying hands. I recall our pastor using a pair of bookends of the praying hands for the children’s message when I was a kid.  He told us of two artist friends who made a pact to support each other in their budding careers.  As the creator of the praying hands developed his artistic skills, his friend worked a manual job to bring in enough money for the two of them to live.  Before the second artist had his turn to study and create,  he injured his hands, making it difficult for him to paint.  One evening his friend was so inspired by seeing his friend’s gnarled hands folded in prayer that he created the famous image that inspires us to this day. Love as commitment, not just warm fuzzy feelings.  Recently, Burt Bacharach died after sharing his amazing talent with the world. It seems appropriate to honor him by quoting the words to one of his songs, written by lyricist Hal David:     “What the world needs now is love, sweet love/ It’s the only thing that there’s just too little of/What the world needs now is love, sweet love/ No not just for some, but for everyone.   Lord, we don’t need another mountain/  There are mountains and hillsides enough to climb/There are oceans and rivers enough to cross/Enough to last ’til the end of time. What the world needs now is love, sweet love/It’s the only thing that there’s just too little of/What the world needs now is love, sweet love/No, not just for some, but for everyone. Lord, we don’t need another meadow/There are cornfields and wheat fields enough to grow/There are sunbeams and moonbeams enough to shine/Oh listen, Lord, if you want to know.  What the world needs now is love, sweet love/It’s the only thing that there’s just too little of/What the world needs now is love, sweet love/No, not just for some, oh, but just for every, everyone.”

With Spring in the air,  it is becoming easier to focus on gratitude.  Spring in Adams County is something to behold! Gratitude, you see,  is good for my mental health.  It’s good for my shattered soul, and it’s keeping me physically healthy.  The Psalms, one of the most popular books of all time, is filled with anthems and hymns of praise.  Even when the Psalmist begins with words of complaint, suffering, and woe, words of praise inevitably reshape the psalmist’s mood. There’s a reason for that.  If we focus on what’s wrong, that’s all we will see.  If we practice gratitude, life opens like a flower.  The book of Hebrews speaks of making the sacrifice of praise, for when we make a sacrifice, we give up something we value for something of even greater value.  When we praise God, we see God in everything we do.  When we forgive, sacrificing our right to feel resentful and holding a grudge, we are freed from the burden of hate and resentment. Scientists have been studying the efficacy of gratitude using controlled studies in both inpatient and outpatient settings. Each study finds that the consistent and intentional practice of gratitude actually changes brain chemistry as effectively as medication, if not more so.   So why don’t more mental health practitioners advocate the practice of gratitude?  Well, for one thing, prescribing medication is easier and less time-consuming.    Drugs allow us to be lazy and not do the challenging mental work of changing our thinking.   Besides, drugs generate big profits. Gratitude, while free, requires effort. Lots of effort.  It is not as easy as taking a pill.  It takes longer to experience relief.   In addition, it can require an almost superhuman effort when one is clinically depressed and deeply discouraged.  Fortunately, some clinicians are now combining medication with the practice of gratitude, as the rewards for being grateful are manifold.  Besides, there are no known negative side effects.  Gratitude won’t make one fat, sluggish,  or flatten their emotions.  In the end,  gratitude, if continually practiced,  helps one make better decisions, work through problems, and contribute to overall feelings of well-being. Scientific studies suggest the quickest and most effective way to practice gratitude is by keeping a gratitude journal.  In several studies, participants were asked to write at least three things every morning and every evening for which they are grateful.  After writing their gratitude list,  they were to read the words out loud, listening carefully to what they were saying, preferably repeating them several times.  The reason for this is that the process of writing, speaking, listening, and seeing involves multiple senses, thus making a greater imprint on the brain. Those being treated with gratitude were cautioned not to feel discouraged if they didn’t feel any difference for weeks.  Negativity is a habit that alters one’s brain chemistry, but the same is true for gratitude.. Consequently, it takes time to develop the habit of being grateful. It’s only since I’ve begun practicing gratitude that I’ve come to understand the importance of praising God in all things.   After all, what is praising God but being grateful?   What I’ve been learning since my husband’s death and our nation has become so divided is that I can be both grateful and sad at the same time, but what a joy to feel rather than being numbed by grief.  To paraphrase the Apostle Paul, “These three things remain, sadness, loneliness, and gratitude, but the greatest of these is gratitude.”

I was reminded last week that I am a grateful creature of habit.  I  have some fairly fixed routines that help me enjoy each day.  I sleep until about 7:30 each morning, get up, have my coffee, walk with my friend, eat breakfast, blog and do what household chores there are to do.  Then and only then do I give myself permission to sew or read or run errands, etc.  One of the gifts of aging, I find,  lies in recognizing the many ways my daily routine keeps me feeling safe and sane.  Doing the “same old, same old” most days actually tends to reduce my stress and keeps me from worrying about what comes next.  Last week I sat down to blog.  Instead of the desired program coming up on the screen, I got a message that I needed to verify to Google who I was, and until I answered all their questions satisfactorily, I was locked out.  Unfortunately, part of the verifying information was linked to an old cell phone that my deceased husband had used to set up my Google accounts three years ago and was long gone.  However, the more I tried to fix the problem, the more complicated it seemed to get. My daughter eventually got things fixed for me, but there were four days when I couldn’t use my computer.   Change can definitely be disorienting!  If I’m honest, I don’t really like surprises.   If I have a general idea of what is happening, I can hang fairly loose, but when there are too many unknowns, my anxiety level rises.  For instance, when my daughter and I got off the turnpike at the wrong place, and our GPS took us on a roundabout way to compensate for our mistake, I was able to enjoy our prolonged trip since I knew we weren’t really lost, just going to be late.  But, if we’d been lost…… It’s not that I have to have everything planned.  In fact, I like to leave space for serendipity, though it is also nice to know what lies ahead.  I can enjoy the unexpected more if I have paid my bills and finished the laundry on schedule, for instance.  That’s why I keep a date book which I call my portable brain, but it only helps me if I write things down and remember to check each day’s schedule. Psychologist Robert Thayer says that our moods are created not so much by our thoughts and stressors or even those things that crop up and throw us for a loop, but our moods have more to do with the consistency of our daily patterns and routines and the resulting feeling of security that brings.  Being able to rely on daily patterns helps us anticipate much of what lies ahead and helps us relax and enjoy being in the moment.  He suggests that by respecting our daily routines, we reduce our stress levels by deactivating our flight or fight instincts. In the end,  happiness is not experiencing something new; but that deep sense of contentment lies in continually experiencing what we already have in new and different ways.   Unfortunately, we’ve been brainwashed into thinking we’ll be happier if we just do more, buy more, and accumulate more when the constant need to adjust to something different or demanding makes us feel insecure.  It is learning how to be content with what already is that opens the way to true contentment.  Which brings us back to the serenity prayer.  “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

What are we to do when we become world-weary?  Overwhelmed by bad news?  Discouraged that the bad guys just keep avoiding any serious consequences?  Feel everything is too much trouble that nothing seems to make any difference?  When such feelings take over, I am reminded of a story we Mennonites like to tell about Orrie Miller, one of the founders of our church’s relief and material aid organization called The Mennonite Central Committee.  MCC  was formed back in the 1920s in response to the famine and revolution in Russia.   Orrie Miller served as the director of MCC during the Great Depression, WWI, and its aftermath.  When asked how he could keep going given the heartbreaking nature of his work with refugee relocation, providing food and clothing essentials in war-ravaged areas, etc. Orrie is to have responded, “It’s like this.  I say a bedtime prayer when I go to bed each night.  Most often, it goes something like this:  “Dear Lord, thank you for today and today’s work.  I did what I could today, but there is so much left undone. I’m tired and giving the rest back to you as I need to get some rest now.  If I awaken in the morning, you can load me up again, but for now, the worries and responsibilities are all yours.  Goodnight,” Orrie Miller was able to work in some of the most depressing situations and did what he could to make life a wee bit better for people caught up in horrendous situations because he knew how to let go and let God be in control.  Orrie knew God did not expect him to save the world.  God has already done that by sending Jesus to show us how to live and die.  Orrie saw himself as one set of God’s hands and feet and voice and did his best to share God’s love and resources with those most needing hope and healing.   The thing that separates most of us from Orrie Miller is that when Orrie got tired, he didn’t worry and stew.  He went to bed confident that God is in control and that he, Orrie,  could only do what he could do.  The rest is up to God. Step Two reads:  Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity,” while Step Three adds: “turned our will and our lives over to the care and guidance of the God of our understanding.”  

Positive thinking goes nowhere unless it is followed by action. That’s precisely why we say the road to hell is paved by good intentions.  Meaning to do something and actually doing it are two very different things.  Most of us are procrastinators, one of those character flaws many of us humbly ask God to remove when we work on Steps 6 and 7.  Most of us mean to do well but somehow never get around to it. Other things just seem to soak up our time. That’s why it’s our self-talk that empowers change in us. The words we speak to ourselves shapes our perception and actions.  If I tell myself that I am worthless and a failure, I will unconsciously ensure that I fail.  If I tell myself I am a victim, I will unconsciously place myself in situations that confirm that self-image.  On the other hand, if I tell myself, “I can do this,” chances are I will succeed.   Since self-talk is such an important aspect of being healthy or unhealthy, it helps to adopt several affirmations to help change our self-talk.  It is amazing what positive self-talk can do. My friend Sister Tammy is a wise woman.  She has encountered many challenges in her life, including life-threatening illnesses, personal losses,  and work challenges,  yet she just keeps on keeping on. Even being wheelchair-bound doesn’t slow her down.   Along with her strong faith, she draws on her sense of humor. Her approach to aging is, “Do something you never did before.  Change means growth.  To grow, you need to evolve instead of revolve or devolve!  I began painting on canvas when I was 85. Some guy asked me to be a stand-up comic.  I’d consider it, except I can’t stand up.”   When someone asked her what she did, she said, “ I am both a psychologist and a spiritual director, but I am offended when someone calls me a ‘shrink.”  I prefer to think of myself as a ‘stretch.’” Sister Tammy insists it’s the language, self-talk, we choose that empowers our responses and reactions to life and faith, including phrases such as “I am…..I want to…..I am willing….I choose to…..I’m grateful for….Thank you for….Could you help me, please….”   She is quick to remind us messages such as “I can’t….I should….I have to….I’ll try…”I always fail, so…”  are self-limiting and feed into a sense of victimhood.  “Be positive,” she says.  “Have faith.  We are here now, so be grateful.  It’s up to us to decide what we hold on to, what we let go of, and what we reach for. Be daring.  Get a kick out of life. Be happy.”

Self-acceptance and care are much easier to talk about than to practice.  It’s so easy to push our basic physical and emotional needs to the side because most of us grew up being told it is important to put others first; that pride in self and self-confidence is somehow sinful.  Yet self-negation, self-pity and viewing oneself as inferior and unlovable is not just giving in to our dark side, but it is an insult to God who created us.  You know the old sayings, “God don’t make no junk,” and “Be gentle with yourself.  God’s not finished with you yet.” In the end, self-hatred is simply a backhanded way of putting ourselves front and center.  Selfishness grows out of a sense of being inadequate and lacking, not fulfillment.  It grows out of buying into old messages we heard as kids, messages such as “you’re so stupid.  You never do anything right.  You’re fat, ” “I wish you’d never been born.”  Consequently, we grow up believing that we don’t measure up.    Much as I’ve longed for lovely spiritual experiences to reassure me that I’m among the saved, to use church language, the only clear messages I’ve ever received from my Higher Power are various forms of  “get over yourself”  which I then interpreted as my needing to work harder to please God and others…instead of letting go of the unrealistic expectations I apply to myself and others.   I saw acceptance and humility as denying what made me happy since others’ needs were always more important.  Then along comes my husband’s terminal illness, and Hospice and self-care takes on an entirely different meaning…valuing and caring for myself, so I could be there for him.  Jesus often referred to the Great Commandment, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind, and your neighbor as yourself,” as well as the Golden Rule, “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”  neither of which tells us to see ourselves as being less than but seeing ourselves as equally important as everyone else.  In fact, both are clear statements about the importance of balance and equality in human relationships.  They point out and reaffirm the fact that we are incapable of truly loving God or others until we can love and accept ourselves, warts and all.   As I age, my ‘get up and go gets up and goes’ much earlier each day.  I tend to view my lagging energy as an inherent flaw, a personal failure rather than being perfectly normal for a woman of 86.  Not only have I been kidding myself about my ability to do more than I am able, “Get over yourself”  has taken on a whole new meaning.  Even if I once functioned well with 3 to 4 hours of sleep each night and still had inexhaustible energy, that’s no longer true…which brings me back to my new understanding of self-care; getting over my unrealistic expectations and having the humility to say  “I’m sorry.  I was wrong.  I need help. I don’t know. I’m OK. You’re OK  just the way we are.”   Our eldest sent me a picture of a woman at a rally holding up a sign reading:” I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change; I am changing the things I cannot accept.”  When I got done laughing, I realized the power of that message lies in self-acceptance. Unless I can accept myself as I am, I will continue to set myself up for disappointment and experiences that make me feel bad about myself. Last night I dreamed about self-care and going for a massage. My brother-in-law was recently discharged from the hospital with a warning that he needed to make several radical lifestyle changes; a humbling and difficult message for him, I’m sure. I find it hard to accept my limitations because limitations make me doubt myself.  Yet radical change is a normal aspect of life, not a sign we are somehow less than we were if we need to change in some way.  In fact, dramatic events and radical change often open the way to greater contentment and happiness precisely because it allows us to stop demanding as much from ourselves and those around us.  Life gets easier once we can accept that it is our unrealistic expectations that tend to get in our way.      I have begun looking at self-care as the permission I’ve needed to accept the things I cannot change and change the things I can.  Self-care invites me to accept hardship as the pathway to peace rather than a sign of failure.  Taking this world as it is, not as I would have it, allows me to stop beating myself up when I or others don’t conform to my wishes.  Looking back over this past year, I  realize that much of my stress, grief, and anxiety was related to blaming myself for not somehow helping my husband live longer while also denying my own aging and mortality.  Given this is the only life I will ever live, I am grateful that in my waning years, I have come to know myself as loved and valued, not because I have been successful or whatever, but simply because I am a beloved child of God…just like you.  In the end, what more could we ever want?

Over the years,   I have read many definitions of codependency.  All relate in some way to discounting our own needs and feelings and looking to others to validate and make us happy.   After all, we live our lives in relationship to others, our environment, our culture, and our jobs, so why wouldn’t we look to others for validation and approval?   However, there is a vast difference between discounting our own needs and feelings and becoming utterly dependent on others’ validation, in knowing when to work with others and when to branch out on our own, when to hold the line and when to step back, and in assisting others because they have requested our help or taking over when unasked and forcing others to meet our expectations because the only way we feel secure is when others conform to our neurotic control needs and wishes.   Those of us who have found our way to 12-step meetings such as Families Anonymous, AL-Anon, CoDa, Adult Children of Alcoholics, etc. did so because we found that our excessive need to be needed, loved, and approved of, and to maintain control was making us unhappy and crazy.   The more stressed we got, the more we found ourselves nagging, criticizing, obsessing, doing more, and repeating off-putting behaviors that drove people away.  Just as with any other addiction,  it often takes a number of crises to make us recognize our need for help, for the harder we codependents try to maintain control and avoid criticism, the more we fall into insane behaviors such as trying to force others to comply with our needs, wishes, and ways of doing things.  Unfortunately, the more we lash out in our attempts to maintain a sense of control,  the more miserable and stressed we become.   Looking back over my own journey with codependency, I see letting go of my unhealthy need for acceptance and approval as critical.  I was the middle child and grew up playing the role of family mediator.  Thinking I had to be perfect to simply be good enough,  I would constantly compare myself to others and would find approval when acting as a buffer between my mother and sisters.  Even so, nothing I ever did seemed good enough.  Convinced that I was inherently unworthy of being loved for myself, I sought to earn the love and approval of my friends, husband, children, family, and church by doing, being and trying to have a cleaner house, perfect children, following the rules, overextending myself, etc.   Thanks to both the program and my family, which refused to fit into my rigid expectations, I discovered that I could achieve more by letting go of my perfectionism and affirming the good in others and myself.  When I stopped focusing on our inadequacies and began looking for positives,  life began to unfold like a flower.  In time, the program’s “attitude of gratitude” made sense.  I learned to tell my kids that I had confidence in their ability to know what was right for them instead of telling them what to do.  I learned to let go of my need to see them achieve my dreams for them – such as graduating from college – and instead not just allow them to find meaning in their own lives and choices but to value and appreciate their journey, including their mistakes and failures. Gratitude, I’ve found, has been my doorway to peace of mind.  By valuing and focusing on what is, rather than what isn’t, like the Apostle Paul, I’m learning to be content in and for all things.  I’m grateful that my struggles with codependency have taught me about letting go and letting God, or putting it another way, relinquishing control and embracing what is.  God, grant me the gratitude to accept the things I cannot change, the gratitude to change the things I can, and the gratitude to know the difference.  Amen

I locked myself out of my house the other day.  I wanted to give my new neighbor a key since we were going away for a week,  so I grabbed a fistful of keys,  stepped outside to make sure I had the right key, and….  You guessed it!  I locked myself out!   Fortunately, it wasn’t that cold (it is February), and the rain had stopped.   Laughing at my own stupidity, I walked to the neighbor and called my daughter to bail me out.   The amazing thing about this experience is that I didn’t freak out.  Not even a little bit, even though I have a great capacity to do a number on myself.  I’ve rarely needed anyone to criticize me for doing thoughtless things, as I’ve been good at doing that myself.  Years ago, a friend suggested I use a crude but descriptive mantra when I start beating myself up… like the time I left the car in neutral, and it rolled down the hill and into our neighbor’s barn.  This time, however,  I didn’t swear, put myself down,  or even repeat over and over, “I am not a s*#! I am just a fallible human being.”  I just laughed at myself and apologized for inconveniencing our daughter.  Our little Coda group often discusses self-care and affirmations, as it seems to be human nature to be hard on ourselves.  In spite of the many negative messages we receive as youngsters and adults,  we are allowed to make mistakes and be fallible human beings.   It’s no crime to goof up.  In fact, failure is one of our most effective teaching tools.  Nor is it proof of our being stupid when we repeat mistakes before learning the lesson.  For instance, this was not the first time I locked myself out of my house, but this was the first time I didn’t do a number on myself.     I  consider that a real victory. 

 I’m a great one for shoveling clutter into drawers and closets,  but that just means going through every paper and envelope when I’m looking for something specific.   I didn’t find the address I’d been looking for this morning, but I did discover a scrap of paper with a scribbled quote.  “Resentment must give way to possibility, grief to compassion, and disdain to respect.”  How sad that we tend to be more bent on obsessing over and punishing wrongdoing than affirming the positives.  It’s as if we assume good deeds are not worth noting, but the bad deserves attention.  It’s so easy to slip into the mindset that affirming positives is not important because doing our jobs and being helpful is the expected norm.        I am saddened by our current focus on obstructionism and negativity.  Even though most of us were taught that a carrot is a stronger incentive than a stick when it comes to motivation, we still operate under the illusion that we can grump and bully our way into creating desired change.  I have broken ranks with many of my Republican brothers and sisters, not because I disagree with many of their concerns but because I disagree with their methods and approach.  In the end, the medium is the message  Condemnation, criticism, hypocrisy, and obstructionism are no substitute for affirming effort and achievement and working together to accomplish a common goal.  Jesus was the supreme psychologist when he suggested we’d do well to love rather than hate our enemies.  After all, isn’t “love your enemies” simply another way of agreeing that “resentment must give way to possibility, grief to compassion, and disdain to respect.”         Oftentimes the best way to inspire good behavior is by overlooking the negative and focusing on the positive.  We humans are communal beings.  We thrive on affirmation and encouragement.  However, when all we hear is blaming and shaming, negative attention is better than no attention.  Yes, positive reinforcement may take longer to bring about desired change, but those changes are long lasting and more effective.  That’s why love is stronger than hate; gratitude is more effective than criticism; please and thank you are considered magic words.            One thing seems clear to me this sunny winter morning; I am too old to spend my time brooding over past hurts and plotting revenge for real and imagined slights.  Anger simply doesn’t feel good.  Besides,  it depletes what little energy I tend to have these days.  It’s not that I  excuse or condone much of what happens; it’s just that I don’t have the time or energy to waste on nursing hurt and anger.  Besides, why give the other the satisfaction of knowing they have made me unhappy?  I find refusing to be miserable a much better form of revenge.        “Resentment must give way to possibility, grief to compassion, and disdain to respect.”  That seems a pretty good mantra for today, Valentine’s Day.  

Today Is a day for gratitude.  In fact, every day is a day for gratitude.  Since now is all I’ll ever have, this moment is the only moment I have for which to be grateful.  And I am grateful. Extremely grateful.   Just having returned from sharing breakfast with a friend, I am very aware that friendships top my list of things that make life worth living.       After my husband died last spring, a friend decided I needed some extra TLC, so she started taking me out for breakfast.  This has been so special we are still having breakfast together twice a month.  Just as my walks with another friend are special for the time we spend together, for the ways we’ve learned to know each other better.  Just as playing dominoes once a week with another group of women is special.  Just as my Sunday morning phone visits with our oldest daughter are special.  The list goes on and on.  Nor does the fact that the more I practice gratitude and the longer my list becomes decreases the specialness of each and every experience.       The amazing thing about practicing gratitude is that the more I recognize things for which to be grateful, the more I find.  I am grateful for the birds at the feeders.  I can’t begin to share how much joy I’ve gleaned from bird watching since placing bird feeders outside our sunroom windows.  I am grateful for the spring bulbs that have started pushing leaf tips through the ground, for the amaryllis that are blooming, for today’s sunshine and blue skies, for running water, my sewing machine, books to read, and sewing projects that inspire my creative juices.     Another friend recently shared a book with me, John Kralik’s 365 Thank Yous, The Year a Simple Act of Daily Gratitude Changed My life.  Keeping a gratitude journal has been life-changing, yet I am already anticipating how writing a thank you note to someone each and every day will open me to seeing more possibilities and hope everywhere I look.  It’s one thing to keep a gratitude journal, but to go the next step by mailing thank you notes makes me even more aware of just how much my life is interconnected with others.  Focusing on the things that are going well has certainly changed the way I see life’s disappointments, challenges, hurts,  struggles, and griefs.  While it is unrealistic to think that any of us should live happily ever after without suffering setbacks and disappointments, it is equally unrealistic to ignore all the good things that keep happening day after day.  For instance, having the power go off last week reminded me of just how grateful I am for electricity and the many ways it improves my life.        There are many challenges to this aging business, but so far, the positives outweigh the negatives.  One of the greatest positives I’ve found has been casting off the many shoulds and oughts that I once thought necessary if I was to earn the love and approval I sought.  I am profoundly grateful to have finally outgrown my need to earn approval and love by trying to meet others’ expectations, and that includes God.  It’s enough now to know that gratitude is its own reward.  After all, what greater gift can any of us give our Maker than appreciating this gift of life and our beautiful planet?

 Sometimes we gut react to a situation, impulsively decide to take a risk, to speak out, take a stand.  I think of my quiet, introverted, shy husband who decided after 9/11 that declaring war on Iraq was not the appropriate way to respond to those horrendous events.   Crippled with rheumatoid arthritis, in constant pain, he stood or sat, Friday after Friday, year after year, holding up his signs “honk for peace”  and “War is not the Answer.”  When anyone challenged him,  he’d say, “I’m not doing this to change your mind.  I do this to be true to what I believe is right and good.” Did his silent protest change anything?  Who knows,  but I  do know he convinced several others to join him in his silent vigils.  I was with him when folks stopped and talked to him, gave him the finger,  or cussed him out.  After George Floyd was killed, my quiet spouse challenged us to do a weekly “Geriatrics For Justice” vigil in front of our little church.  There was the black man who stopped and thanked us.  There was the KKK leader who argued with us, even threatened to come back and shoot us.  There were several who stopped their cars and joined us.  There were those who shouted obscenities as they drove by. This winter, someone sent a contribution to our church asking us to use his check to help a man whose business had burned down.  When asked why he sent the money to our church instead of GoFundMe, he said he remembered the way we stood in front of the church insisting that black lives matter and trusted we’d make sure the fire victims got what they needed. The older I get, the more I am convinced that even though our individual choices and actions seem to fade into obscurity, they still matter.  Who knows when a memory of a past event triggers someone to defend a stranger, give up their place in line, speak out against an injustice?   I recently received an email from one of my neighbors.  She is a lovely caring person, and I value her friendship,  so I’m tempted to ignore her email.  Yet, I feel compelled to respond.  I don’t want her to think I support Trump and his Jan 6 lies and conspiracies.  Perhaps something in the vein of “please don’t forward things like that to me.  I value your friendship too much to lose it by talking politics” would be appropriate.  That approach has so far worked with another friend.  When he gets going on a rant, I hold up my hand and say, “ Let’s just agree to disagree and talk about something else. “  At first, he resisted, but now he just grins and shuts up.  It’s reassuring to know we can violently disagree on some things and still get along.

It’s one of those dark rainy winter days for which I am profoundly thankful.  With so many areas of the world suffering from drought, we here in south central Pennsylvania are much blessed.  So far, we’ve been spared many of the extremes in rainfall, temperature,  and storms that have been devastating others.  The effects of climate change are downright scary, so I was gratified to recently learn that the ozone hole in the atmosphere is closing as a result of outlawing the use of freon gas and other noxious chemicals.   What we do matters. Since my early morning walk got rained out, I spent more time with the morning newspaper.  One article discussed the many ways we can each do our part in healing our beautiful planet. It’s so easy to assume the little things you and I can do are irrelevant.  What we forget is my tiny contribution added to yours, and yours and yours add up.   Once again, we come back to” the truism that it takes a village.  Working together.  Joining forces.  Linking our fate to the common good. As the author of the article noted, we can’t eat sunlight or produce our own oxygen.  We need plants and insects to do that. The domino effect begins each time we lose a single species, be that plant, tree, insect, bird, animal.   Everything is connected.  “We are in the sixth great extinction event,” the author wrote.  “Now one-third of the planet’s bird population is gone.  Overall, one million species may be lost in the next ten years!  Setting aside one-half of the Earth for nature would save at least 80 to 85% of existing species, but that’s not likely to happen.”  He goes on to say that while living with nature is an option, doing so will be a challenge, as it will require changing our mindset. To achieve a better relationship with Mother Nature, we will need to change several basic assumptions upon which we have built our modern civilization.  1.  Thinking of nature as optional, not essential.   2.  Thinking that humans and nature must be separate and can’t co-exist.  3.  Leaving stewardship of the land to a few professionals, scientists, and big corporations. 4.  Stop making decisions based on short-term needs and profits instead of the long-term. You and I have more power than we think.  For instance, we can have an influence by:: Choosing native species for our flower beds.  Planting more trees.  Composting our weeds, food wastes, leaves.  Recycling more items.  Mowing fewer areas and planting our lawns and roadsides with wildflowers.  Eating less meat.  Being less passive when trash carriers stop recycling glass and plastic “because there isn’t enough profit in it.”   Paying attention as new scientific information surfaces.  Getting rid of our gas appliances, such as our kitchen stoves and gas logs, as an example, for they are constantly emitting methane into our atmosphere.  It may be soothing to have someone else to blame for the mess the world is in, but blaming and shaming have never solved anything.  If we want a future for our children and grandchildren, you and I can’t wait for the other guy to go first.  After all, the little things we do actually mean a lot.

Mary Davis has a simple formula for happiness.  “Shine brightly.  See beauty.  Speak kindly.  Create joyfully.  Live thankfully.”  If there was ever a time for adopting her formula it is now.  I’m no Pollyanna, but I discovered long ago that negative thinking sets me up for unhappiness and failure.  In fact, viewing everything through a distrustful and jaundiced eye just makes matters seem so much worse.   I understand the need for criticism, but please, let’s focus on constructive criticisms.  What’s The point of being obstructionist just for the sake of being obstructionist?           See beauty, Mary Davis tells us. That’s a good place to start, as beauty is everywhere. Our world is filled with so many beautiful things, sounds, images, feelings, opportunities; that all we have to do is take time to look.  Even on the darkest of days, we are still surrounded by beauty.  Frequently, for instance, winter’s foggy atmosphere or dusk makes our little housing development look like an impressionist painting. Even the plainest bird is stunningly beautiful when examined closely.  Hearty weeds push their green shoots through darkened soil promising a greening spring.  Our resident squirrel flaunts his amazing tail.  A giant pine stands tall against a grey sky.  I see beauty everywhere I look.       Speak kindly. The tiny book of James, which is tucked into the back of the New Testament, has a lot to say about speaking kindly and/or thoughtlessly.  What’s important is that it takes no more effort to be kind and thoughtful than it does to be cruel and demeaning, but the end results are radically different. One builds relationships and community while the other tears them down.  Several articles in today’s paper were about the connection of friendly relationships with happiness and improved health.  Why save our good moods and manners for social occasions but feel free to dump our bad moods and cutting remarks on family and close friends?  Why not ”I love you” or “thank you?” instead of “you never…” or “you always…”  We humans may be resilient,  but we are also fragile.  Some of our deepest wounds are the result of thoughtless remarks, while a compliment or “good job” can transform another’s life.       Create joyfully.  Writing these blogs gives me a sense of satisfaction, of contributing something in a small way.  I have no illusions that my ramblings will change the world, but I find pleasure in writing.  I get delight in feedback.  Determined to find positivity reminds me to practice what I preach.  Creating quilts from scraps and leftover fabric not only gives me a chance to create something beautiful, but it reminds me that we live in a world of abundance and it’s a matter of sharing and distribution, not scarcity, that’s the problem.        Live thankfully. One of the first things I do each morning before I get up is lie in bed and tell God all of the things for which I am grateful.  My bed.  My sheets and blankets,  A warm house. Clean clothing.  Shoes and socks.  Soap and water.  Focusing on gratitude rather than on my fears and concerns helps to set the tone for my day.  When I feel down, I remind myself that gratitude is a choice.  I choose to be grateful because it helps me stay healthy and happy.       Shine brightly. That is: see beauty. Speak kindly. Create joyfully. Live gratefully.  Shining brightly is so much easier on everyone than being grumpy and negative. After all, it all depends on what we choose to see and hear, where we put our emphasis, how we choose to react, and whether we want to be friendly and happy.  As Henri Nouwen once wrote, “the discipline of gratitude is the explicit effort to acknowledge that all I am and all I have is given to me as a gift of love, a gift to be celebrated with joy.”  And it’s meant to be passed on!

“Modern American culture is fairly empty of any suggestions that one’s relationship with the land, to consumption and food, is a religious matter.  But it’s true; the decision to attend to the health of one’s habitat and food chain is a spiritual choice.  It’s also a political choice, a scientific one, a personal and a convivial one.  It’s not a choice between living in the country or town.  It is about understanding that every one of us, at the level of our cells and respiration lives in the country and is thus obliged to be mindful of the distance between ourselves and our sustenance.”  Barbara Kingsolver   It’s easy to get detached from the land, to be oblivious to the intimate connection we have with our environment, especially if we live in areas devoid of trees, plants, animals, and green zones.  It’s far too easy to operate as if our food, clothing, and life necessities come from factories and stores, overlooking the fact that everything we have and use has its source in the land; that our very existence is totally dependent on our environment.  One of the underlying principles of the 12-step program is self-care; learning how to nurture ourselves, adopting healthy practices such as eating better and exercising, along with developing conscious contacts with the God of our understanding. What better way to care for ourselves and our loved ones than to care for our precious planet, the source of all goodness and opportunity?  What makes us think we can flourish when our water, land, and air are poisoned and polluted?   Having had the good fortune to grow up in a country village and then move into an old stone farmhouse surrounded by apple orchards and wooded areas, I’ve always felt a deep connection to the land.  My dad took us birding and wild flowering when I was a kid.  One of my earliest chores was helping in the garden.  What excitement when tiny seedlings pushed their noses up through the ground.  And, oh, the joy of going out to the garden and picking enough beans or corn or tomatoes for our evening meal!  I spent long hot summer hours canning and freezing our garden’s abundance, knowing there would be food for the winter.  In time, I resolved my discomfort with eating meat by adopting the Native American approach to killing an animal for food; humbly thanking the animal for giving up its life that we may live. How sad when we simply take our daily bread for granted.  One of the things I appreciate about Barbara Kingsolver’s books is that she doesn’t approach religious experiences as being rooted in a church, doctrines,  or liturgy, but in our connection to the land, air, water, food, and each other as the ground of our being. So how can we be environmentally friendly when preparing and eating our meals?   Here are several suggestions.  Serve simple meals.  Buy locally-produced food.  Observe the seasons of the year.   Be creative with leftovers.  As my mother used to say, “waste not, want not.”

Somehow  a year has flashed by, reminding me of a story in which a great  king challenged his subjects to create works of art depicting their ideas of  peace.   Paintings flowed into the castle.  Beautiful pastoral scenes.  Pictures of smiling babies, children playing.  Grazing animals, flowing streams, fields of flowers.  Yet the picture that spoke of peace to the King was a painting of a raging storm dumping torrents of wind and rain on a rushing waterfall and boiling rapids.  In one corner of the painting there was a fragile tree branch almost hidden behind some rocks,  On the branch was a bird nest and in the nest  a rain soaked mother bird sat protecting her eggs.  Peace is not the absence of conflict, the King told his people.  Peace comes from within, from daring to accept life on it’s own terms, then letting go of fear and facing what is with quiet confidence and gratitude.          Instead of making New Year’s resolutions I invite you to join me in praying The Serenity Prayer at least once a day, for the next year.  The Serenity Prayer covers anything we need to be happy and content, I find.  By praying it over and over again, day after day, it will slowly move from your head into your heart where it will transform your way of thinking and being.  I know,  for that prayer has helped me embrace some of life’s most difficult challenges and find a way to face life’s challenges with greater peace of mind.   The Serenity Prayer is the best summation of Jesus’ teachings I’ve ever found.   It starts out with “ God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can,  And the wisdom to know the difference.”   Fortunately it doesn’t end there.  Instead it is followed by a beautiful summary of the Sermon on the Mount and Jesus’ how to live and  thrive in this world: Living one day at a time Enjoying one moment at a time Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace   Taking as he did,  this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it Trusting that he will make all things right if I surrender to His will   So that I may be reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with him forever in the next   #Serenity Prayer

With winter’s dark stay-inside days, I’ve been reading feel-good books and watching Christmas movies.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with escaping into once-upon-a-time and what-if moments.  That’s part of self-care.  Besides, it’s the rare book or movie that doesn’t have some insight tucked inside the story.  That happened with Richard Paul Evans’ Finding Noel when several quotes caught my attention.   “Oftentimes the greatest hurts of our lives come from running from the smaller ones.”  and “Usually life’s greatest gifts come wrapped in adversity.”       How true.  Most of us are really good at avoiding something we don’t want to face.  That’s called denial.  We can hang on to a well-entrenched resentment in spite of the fact that everyone would profit from addressing the issue before it has a chance to balloon. Many of us grew up in families that avoided difficult subjects and rarely talked about feelings.  If there was anger and abuse, we learned to avoid conflict,  even when avoidance just made matters worse. Besides,  when we find ourselves enmeshed in difficult situations and family drama, avoiding further complications by bringing up past hurts seems to make sense in that moment.      However, assumptions make an ass out of you and me, while expectations become resentments waiting to happen.  It’s so easy to assume we have inadequate information when we may have only heard a fragment of what was said.  And what about the times when a comment or incident triggers a negative response causing us to stop listening or interpret the other’s action or remark in a specific way?  Or we act on incomplete information setting a whole spiral of miscommunication into being?   Sometimes the greatest hurts come from avoiding the smaller ones.       I agree  that “usually, life’s greatest gifts come wrapped in adversity.”   It wasn’t until my father died that I developed a warm, loving relationship with my mother.  Our family addictions motivated us to seek help from the12 step program.   Health concerns motivated us to eat better and exercise more.  Having family caught up in the justice system not only made us less judgmental and more accepting, but it also taught us to look for the best in others, recognizing that we are all more than the worst thing we’ve ever done.         All of this brings us back to gratitude.  We all have far more choices in how to respond to situations than we realize.  Yes, life is what happens when we aren’t paying attention, but once we get jarred awake, we get to choose how to respond.  We can choose to be grateful for the ways life challenges help us grow.  We can choose to look for the positives that are hidden in the negatives.  We can choose to be thankful for the many ways adversity brings us closer to others.          As we move into the new year, let’s try to remember that “Often times the greatest hurts of our lives come from running from the smaller ones.”  and “Usually life’s greatest gifts come wrapped in adversity.”   The Apostle Paul put it this way, “In all things, give thanks.” Joyce Shutt is the author of Steps to Hope and is a veteran 12 stepper

Attitudes, it’s been said, are simply deeply entrenched habits of thought.  The good news is: we can change our habits and thoughts,  The downside of recognizing that attitudes and feelings are no more than habits is that changing our habits and thought patterns  is hard work and takes time.  A long time.  As Paul Myer said, “ An action repeated becomes an attitude realized.” We unconsciously adapt our attitudes to complement our behavior.   In seminary, one of my professors kept reminding us that as pastors what we do will be far more important than what we say, or,  as my husband would tell our children, “your actions speak so loudly I can’t hear your words.”      Recognizing our thoughts as simply mental habits is both positive and negative.  The good news is: we need not remain trapped in our dysfunctional habits and thought patterns.  We can change.  The bad news is: changing our thoughts and habitual responses requires a long-term commitment. Like a lifetime!   But there is help, such as affirmations and sentence prayers, what Henri Nouwen called “prayers of the heart.”  He wrote at length about the efficacy of simply repeating a short affirmation or prayer until it moves from your head into your heart.  You don’t really have to think about what you’re saying or try to feel differently, he wrote. You just have to repeat the same words, such as “thy will, not my will” over and over and over. As we repeat those words, “thy will, not my will”  as we mow the yard, wait for the light to change, commute to work, load the dishwasher, etc., we are reprogramming our brains.           There are many positive affirmations that we can use to help us think healthy thoughts. .Our pastor says her favorite affirmation when she faces difficult people and situations  is “bless them, change me.   Several rehab centers tell their clients to repeat out loud  “I am a beautiful, worthwhile person” each time they go through a doorway.  Another effective way to avoid saying the wrong thing at inappropriate times is by counting to ten before blowing your top or spewing a volley of cuss words.        I’ve blogged in the past about power being the absence of obstacles.  That’s why knowledge can be so powerful.  The more we know about something,  the more choices and options we have.   Over the years I have found that working the 12 steps has removed many obstacles for me.  The more I focus on changing myself and my responses, the better I feel,  not just about myself, but others and the world.  Joyce Shutt is the author of Steps to Hope and is a veteran 12 stepper #habits

 I’ve had an excellent companion these past few nights when sleep eluded me.  Lousie Penny’s latest novel, The World of Curiosities.  I am so grateful I am still able to read, as books have been my companion since first learning to read.  When I am down,  a feel-good book can help me rediscover the beauty in life.  When I am confused,  books often help me find answers, however incomplete.  When I am sad, books provide comfort.  When I am lonely, I can get lost in a good read.  Books educate, inspire, nudge, provide escape….   I am always amazed at the way some authors are able to come up with complex plots, fascinating characters, flowing dialogue, and amazing descriptions. Many books are silly and merely scratch the surface, but the truly “good” book digs deep into the human psyche and unveils our hidden questions and traumas. This is not the kind of writing I do.  Mine tends to be prosaic and to the point.  There are educational and theological books, meditational books, and gratitude journals that help us struggle with ourselves and issues difficult to understand.  But there are those exceptional books that address the most complex issues of human experience by telling a riveting story that forces us to dig deep inside, to confront the best and worst of human experience, giving us much-needed insights into ourselves and others. I revel in such books.  Louise Penny has yet to disappoint me, given she deals with such dark issues, diabolic characters, in stories where the presence of evil is revealed in everyday settings among everyday people.  Yet she manages to do so in a way that not only makes us confront the worst in humanity, but also the best.  In the midst of pain and suffering,  she shines the light of hope and goodness without being cloying or unrealistic.  In this latest book, The Book of Curiosities,  she has Inspector Gamache quote a poem by the mad poet Ruth.    “Evil is unspectacular, and always human   and shares our bed and eats at our table. And we are introduced to goodness every day Even in drawing rooms among a crowd of Faults.” How very true.  We are all such a blending of good and bad, clarity and confusion, selfishness and generosity.  We can go an entire liftetime without being exposed to evil as in the holocaust, but it is there in everyday insensitivities and selfishness.  Evil generally is unspectacular and commonplace, numbing us to horrific wrongs, such as racism, sexism, and the other isms that hurt and demean people.  Those kinds of evils are so, so much a part of life we simply stop seeing what is happening.  We can slide into negative behaviors without noticing, just as we can just as unthinkingly touch another’s broken heart and perform acts of kindness and great love because that is also who we are.         We are hosts to both angels and demons as we struggle to understand and forgive our brokenness.  In the end, the issue isn’t denying the truth of our ambivalence but deciding which aspect of our complex stories, challenges, and personalities we daily choose to develop.  As Joshua says at one point (I think in the book of Judges)  “as for me and my house, we choose to serve the Lord.”  Joyce Shutt is the author of Steps to Hope and is a veteran 12 stepper

 Perhaps it’s because we are approaching the shortest day of the year, but the evenings seem excessively long and lonely.  While I am discovering many advantages to living alone, the house sometimes feels achingly empty.  I miss him.  God, but I miss him.  However,  instead of focusing on what’s no more, I am determined to meet the challenge of this new life I’ve been given, praying only for the serenity to accept the things I can’t change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.       It’s been said that “Beautiful light is born of darkness, so the faith that is born from conflict is often the strongest and best.”   That sums up these past months. I, at least, learn best from dealing with conflict and stressful situations. Those of us who have lived long enough have discovered for ourselves that a truly nurturing faith doesn’t come from gaining power, prestige, or possessions.  A faith born of suffering and challenge is a faith rooted from accepting the divine paradox:  it is by losing that we win and by letting go that we receive.        It took my husband’s dying to make me appreciate the truly good life we had. It is so easy to take something, someone for granted,  It was the tough times, rubbing against his stubbornness, his all too frequent “no’s,” our family addictions and illness,  that helped me develop a greater sense of self, the determination to pursue my path while respecting our family’s needs, that I was able to gain the awareness of what was truly important:  loving and being loved.   Looking back,  the times of greatest friction and struggle were also the times of greatest growth and insight.  Those were the times our combined determination to honor our marriage vows and each other motivated us to find ways to honor our differences and find better ways to meet our individual differences and needs.  Ours was definitely not a fairy tale marriage. There were times of togetherness and times of anger and aching separateness.  We were like two jagged stones having a mountain stream smooth away our rough edges.       Looking back,  I wouldn’t have it any other way. We learned so much from each other.  We helped each other grow and face times of darkness.  We discovered that love is more than romance.   Beautiful light was born of our times of conflict,  and the faith that helped him embrace his death and continues to sustain me,  was the gift of our shared conflicts and challenges.   Joyce Shutt is the author of Steps to Hope and is a veteran 12 stepper.

Sun streaming through the bedroom window called me awake this morning. Not ready to get up, I snuggled deeper into my bed and began listing all the little things welcoming me into this new day.  The feel of crisp clean sheets.  Sunshine.  A warm bedroom.  Being able to wiggle my toes.  The luxury of rolling over in my bed.  Comfortable clothes. Being able to walk to the bathroom.  An indoor bathroom.  Looking forward to my morning coffee.        Life, I find, is made up of a myriad of little things.  Over time, I’ve found that giving attention to minute details helps me focus on the bigger things, just as it’s the details that point to the central focus in a great painting.        Coming in from my walk I brewed another cup of coffee and reached into the refrigerator for some left-overs for my breakfast.  My living alone menu and routine has certainly shifted since he died. My breakfast is often left-overs while my evening meal may be two pieces of toast and an apple.  Who says we have to eat certain things at certain times?  The importance, I find, lies in appreciating my amazing luck in having any food at all.        It’s been two days since we celebrated Thanksgiving.  Cleaning up after the meal,  we divided up the left-overs. What a blessing to have enough for several more meals.  Perhaps it was feeling his loss so acutely on Thanksgiving evening, but I’ve become  aware of all the little things that fill each day, just as they did when he was alive;  those not so little little things that reassure me that life is still worth living, .such  as being blessed with family, friends, adequate resources, my church community, activities and hobbies I enjoy doing, responsibilities that tie me to the larger community.        Years of practicing gratitude are paying off now that I don’t have my partner to fill empty moments.  It’s a rare day that I find  the details of daily living meaningless.   Heating water for a cup of tea, a few minutes ago, I found myself remembering Kitty Kallen’s once popular:  “Blow me a kiss from across the room Say I look nice when I’m not Touch my hair as you pass my chair Little things mean a lot Give me your arm as we cross the street Call me at six on the dot A line a day when you’re far away Little things mean a lot Don’t have to buy me diamonds and pearls Champagne, sables and such I never cared much for diamonds and pearls But honestly honey, they just cost money Give me your hand when I’ve lost the way Give me your shoulder to cry on Whether the day is bright or gray give me your heart to rely on Send me the warmth of a secret smile To show me you haven’t forgot Now and forever, that always and ever Little things mean a lot.” Joyce Shutt is the author of Steps to Hope and is a veteran 12 stepper

I’ve been reading Erica Bauermeister’s delightful book, The Lost Art of Mixing.   It’s not the greatest piece of literature ever written.  The storyline is simple and uncomplicated, but her use of language and word pictures are heartwarming and vivid.  The Lost Art of Mixing is one of those books that leaves you feeling hopeful about the future and people in general.  It reminds us we can live happily within the confines of our brokenness as we come to know and love ourselves and others by sharing and listening to each other’s stories.         I’m sure it doesn’t come as a surprise that I love words.  Nothing brings me more pleasure than a well-written book.  I can get lost in the dance of words, discussions in which big words shoot across my mind like stars lighting up the sky.  I can get lost in descriptions so vivid I paint pictures in my mind.  Words will sneak past my defenses, touching something so deep I find tears streaming down my cheeks.       No matter how commonplace or exciting, everyone’s life is filled with unique and amazing stories.  Nothing makes us feel more loved than having another welcome and affirm our stories.  Far too often, life has made us feel as if our lives are not as exciting or interesting as others …  which then causes us to negate our experiences and feelings.  Yesterday’s birthday party was such a high for me primarily because we found ourselves telling stories about how we met our husbands, how we host family gatherings, how we feel about growing old. Just by sharing our stories, invisible walls crumbled, and we experienced a new closeness.  It no longer mattered that we didn’t go to the same church, voted for the same political candidates, or had the same life experiences.  We were joined by common threads in our stories.         My sister-in-law said her children gave her a long list of questions related to her growing up, family history, world events, etc.  They asked her to write down her responses to one question each week. She is finding joy in remembering and sharing her stories with her children and grandchildren.  She is finding comfort in, knowing they will better understand who she is and was through her stories which will not just give them a historical and emotional record of their family history but it is helping her know and better understand herself.       Joyce Shutt is the author of Steps to Hope and is a veteran 12 stepper.

The older I get, the more grateful I become.  The other night our little CoDa group worked on the 11th step.  “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for God’s will for our lives and the courage to carry that out.”   When I was younger, my prayers were mostly gimme prayers.  I thought that Jesus’ “whatever you ask for in my name,”  meant I was supposed to tell God what I wanted and needed to be happy and fulfilled.   World peace, for instance, or being accepted in the college of my choice or making the kids be more obedient.  With the passage of time and years in the program, I’ve come to understand that praying for God’s will for my life means letting go of the kite strings.  Nor does “God’s will” imply I will live happily ever or that bad things won’t happen to me.  God’s will for our lives, I believe,  means that we will find the inner resources we need to deal with what is happening, be that good or challenging.  It is experiencing gratitude and joy in the midst of pain and suffering.  It’s learning how to love rather than hate. Life happens.  My husband died.  My friend’s house burned down.  We both were battered and broken by our traumas, but it’s precisely because my husband died and her house burned down that we discovered each other as walking partners.  And, because we walk together each morning, we’re able to appreciate and share the beauty of our village and rural surroundings.  We’ve learned to encourage each other and experience the joy of a deepening friendship.  It’s stepping back so that someone else can flourish.  It is being grateful in and for all things. At this stage of my life, I see gratitude and resurrection as Siamese twins.  I don’t understand resurrection as so much about life after death, though it may be.  Resurrection, for me,  is the assurance that in spite of how it feels, there are no real endings, only beginnings; that pain is the prelude to joy; that death and rebirth is the essence of life.  Yes, I still find letting go to be a struggle.  My letting go is never a once-and-done, I find, but when I can finally let go of this or that piece, I always discover something new and beautiful taking its place.  I would give anything to have my husband back.  I miss him and the life we shared.  His absence leaves a big hole, but as I am able to say, “thy will be done”  each day brings me something new and beautiful…not to replace him, but to enhance this new stage of my journey.   Yesterday, for example, I noticed a budding cyclamen peeping out from under a frost-killed plant.  I quickly repotted it and brought it inside.  Today, an exceptionally dark and dreary November day,  that little plant is smiling at me, filling me with gratitude’s sunshine.  

I’m still pondering the who or whose “I am” question.   Descartes said, “I think, therefore, I am.”  I have no idea what that means. To be truthful, I can drive myself nuts asking questions such as, “who am I?” There are many ways to describe myself.  I am female.  I am a widow.    I am the mother of four amazing kids.  I am a retired pastor.  I am white.  I am American.  I am Mennonite.  I am the writer of this blog.  I am, I am, I am, all of which tell me things about myself but not who I am or whose I am.       Politicians tend to define people by political affiliation, race, educational level, urban, rural, white or blue collar,  conservative or liberal, ethnicity, religion, legal or illegal, etc..  Businesses see us as consumers whose value lies in our ability to buy their products.  But again, consuming is something we do, not who we are.   It is also our consumer society that defines individuals as successes or failures, determined by our buying power, prestige, and possessions.  One of my seminary professors challenged us to know ourselves by looking at the people with whom we associate, love, and share our values.  The key to discovering who we are, he said,  comes as we fill in the blanks to the statement:  “I am the one who is loved by…..”  “I am the one who is loved by…..”        I do know I have this tendency to overthink everything.  I can take something fairly simple and turn it into something complicated instead of accepting what is and going from there.  In the end, the closest I can come to an answer that satisfies me is; “ I am a beloved child of God.”  But then I have no idea what that means as I have no idea who or what God is, if God even is.  But then,  maybe I don’t have to know who I am or who or what God is.  Perhaps it’s enough to accept that I am, that there are Powers so much greater than we can envision or comprehend.  Maybe it’s enough to accept that life is complicated and mysterious and being able to love and be loved is an amazing gift.        I look out the window. White clouds drift lazily across a brilliant blue skyscape.  Red and yellow leaves drift lazily to the ground, their dying beauty so intense I find myself holding my breath in awe.   Does it even matter who I think I am or who I understand myself being connected to?   What if it’s enough to simply be aware in this present moment, able to drink in the miracle and majesty of what is,  grateful for this amazing thing we call life. Joyce Shutt is the author of Steps to Hope and is a veteran 12 stepper.

Mary Davis has a simple formula for dynamic living.  “Shine brightly.  See beauty.  Speak kindly.  Create joyfully.  Live thankfully.”  If there ever was a time when there are good reasons for unhappiness and despair, it is now.  Yet, precisely because these are challenging times, it is vitally important we implement Mary Davis’s suggestions.  Negative thinking just makes whatever is wrong seem that much worse.  Looking for the hidden strengths and opportunities in difficult times helps restore clarity and reveals better ways to respond.  As I’ve often shared, living thankfully is a choice.  It doesn’t just fall from the skies. We have to be very deliberate in developing the habit of gratitude.      See beauty, Mary Davis tells us.  The sun is shining.  Birds gobble bread crumbs at the feeder.  A fat squirrel runs across the driveway.  A painting by Leslie Varella graces the wall across from my blogging chair.  Sun shines through several stained glass art pieces created by our daughter.  House plants cluster in front of the windows. I see beauty everywhere I look.       Speak kindly. We too often save our good manners for friends and strangers and thoughtlessly dump our bad moods, criticism, and cutting remarks on family. It is easy to take our loved ones for granted and assume they know we love them, while rarely telling them ”I love you” or saying “thank you” for doing the dishes or taking out the garbage.  We humans are fragile beings and easily wounded.  A thoughtless remark can fester for years.  But, we can change.  We can do better.  It takes time and a lot of starting over, but we can do it.       Create joyfully.  Writing these blogs gives me a sense of satisfaction, of contributing to the betterment of the world in a small way.  My blogs become prayers for me, reminding me to do justice, love mercy and walk humbly.  Making quilts and comforters for Project Linus, the homeless, friends, and strangers is also deeply satisfying.  The process of creating something lovely has this way of opening me to life.        Live thankfully. One of the first things I do each morning is write three things for which I am grateful in my gratitude journal.  Focusing on gratitude, rather than my fears and concerns, helps to set the tone for my day.  When I tire of being positive, I remind myself that scientists claim a consistent practice of gratitude can be just as effective in treating depression as medication.         I’m not sure why Mary Davis started her list with “shine brightly.”  To me shining brightly is the end result of seeing beauty, speaking kindly, creating joyfully, and living thankfully. For me, shining brightly means treating others with respect and dignity, refraining from judging, looking for ways to bring out the best in myself and others.  As Henri Nouwen once wrote, “the discipline of gratitude is the explicit effort to acknowledge that all I am and have is given to me as a gift of love, a gift to be celebrated with joy.” Joyce Shutt isthe author of STeps to Hope and is a veteran 12 stepper #gratitude

John 1 opens with, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  Through him were all things made that were made, and the Word was the source of life, and this source brought light to all mankind.  The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has never put it out.”      As I sat with my open Bible, I hope filled those few words.  No matter what we humans do, and we do some terrible things, we will never be able to snuff out the light that shines in the darkness.  That’s when I noticed a scribbled note I had written along the margin ….a note from years ago when I was in Seminary.   “The Greek word ‘logos’ can be translated as ‘World Soul.’  Vast. Mysterious.  Comprehensive.     There it is, the Word I need to hear, The Light shining through my emotional and spiritual darkness, my fears about where our world is heading.  In all and of all.   World Soul.  I turned back to my Bible and reread those familiar lines while substituting those two words that change everything;  World Soul for Word.       I often wonder what nuances of meaning we have lost over the years.  Times change.  Word meanings alter.  New technologies and information transform our understanding.  Lifestyles and cultures are vastly different.  We read Scripture through 21st-century eyes, not through the eyes of days long past. There is no way we can begin to comprehend what the Scriptures meant to folks over 2,000 years ago. Now, with the advent of the scientific age, we have become more literal, less able to think metaphorically, allegorically.        Reflecting on what all might be encompassed in the concept of World Soul, I felt hope spreading throughout my body.  I reread John 1 through a blur of tears, “In the beginning was World Soul, and World Soul was with God and World Soul was God.  Through World Soul were all things made that were made.  World Soul was the source of life and  World Soul brought light to all mankind.  World Soul shines in the darkness and the darkness has never put World soul out.”       Oh, how I need to believe there is something as profound as World Soul.  With so much partisanship, , and rancor tearing our precious world apart, we need to find that something that draws us together.  One of the reasons I appreciate The Chronicles of Narnia and many other fantasy books is the way authors give trees and plants and animals souls, life-influencing souls…something many of us sense in our pets.         World Soul. We are World Soul, not part of World Soul.  Perhaps that is the underlying message of the concept of Trinity.  No separation.  No divisions.  Everything is a part of everything.  One and the same. No better or worse.  No privileged races.  No national boundaries.  World Soul as the vast Cosmos.  World Soul as Creation.  World Soul as Life.  World Soul;  Light in the darkness, Light the darkness can never put out.  Amen and amen. Joyce Shutt is the author of Steps to Hope and is a veteran 12 stepper

At our CoDa meeting, last night,  we talked about the 10th step.  That’s the step in which we take time each day to review our successes and our failures.  Unfortunately, most of us have been programmed to focus on our failures rather than our successes.  We’ve learned how to blame and shame ourselves when we stumble while downplaying our successes.  That’s why keeping a gratitude journal is so important for many of us. There is something about writing things down that makes them more real.   No matter how bad things may get, there will always be something for which we can be grateful, even if it is being inside on a rainy day or having a drink of water.  Gratitude,  like anything else,  increases the more we practice being grateful.  I’ve often thought that Jesus’s “they who have eyes but cannot see” is referring to our lack of gratitude.         We don’t have to wait to win the lottery before we practice gratitude!  Becoming grateful for the little stuff is the whole point of practicing gratitude.  That’s the underlying meaning behind “Give us this day our daily  bread.”   Jesus didn’t tell us to pray for unlimited riches and bread for our entire lifetime.  He told us to be grateful for having just enough today.  He encourages us to become ever more aware of just how many little things make up the tenor of our days.  When we obsess on our problems, that’s all we see.  When we practice gratitude, we become more and more aware of all the resources that are ours while, at the same time, no longer assuming life owes us anything.  Everything, after all,  is a gift.        When we talk about living in the moment,  we are talking about acknowledging all of the people and details that shape the foundation and backdrop of our lives.   I simply can’t conceive of life without my family and friends.. Now that my husband is gone, I regret not having thanked him more often for the steady support he gave me.  Every day, I thank both him and God that I am able to flourish today because of his faithfulness in the past.        I haven’t turned on the heat yet, I am using less water, doing without new clothing,  and eating simply, not because I am worried about money or feeling a need to sacrifice.  I’ve decided to fast in this new way for me:  by doing with less in many areas of my life. I find it too easy to ignore all of the seemingly little things that fill my days and make life comfortable.  Getting up in a chilly house reminds me there are people without warm homes.  Not letting the water run until it gets warm reminds me there are people who have no water at all.   When I find myself grumbling because I don’t have the right outfit,  I remind myself there are people who are lucky to have one change of clothing.  Then instead of feeling deprived and unhappy, I feel blessed and grateful.        The older I get, the more I understand The Apostle Paul’s injunction to be grateful in and for all things.  Without gratitude, life is empty.  We can be as pious as possible,  attending prayer meetings and worship services, doing acts of penitence, and constantly depriving ourselves, but without gratitude, they fall flat and leave us empty and unsatisfied.         Gratitude is the door to happiness.  Gratitude is the root of contentment.  Gratitude is serenity’s sister.  When we are grateful, there is little room for self-pity or grumbling,  for it’s gratitude that enables us to move into the pain that is so much a part of life to find God’s courage and grace awaiting us.  It is gratitude that helps us learn the lessons life has to teach us.  It is gratitude that transforms our failures into opportunities.  It is gratitude that turns fear into faith, and hopelessness into hope.   It is gratitude that transforms the finality of death into new life and new beginnings.  And for that, I am deeply and profoundly grateful. Joyce Shutt is the author of Steps to Hope and is a veteran 12 stepper

  There’s a phrase  in the familiar version of the Lord’s Prayer that troubles me:  “And lead us not into temptation.”  How or why would a loving God deliberately lead us into temptation?   It simply doesn’t make sense.  In fact, the more I delve into theology and religious literature and the answers we humans have used to shape life and  society, the less religious I become.  I simply can’t give my allegiance to a God who plays favorites, picks and chooses winners and losers, is downright tyrannical,  and a child abuser.  The God of my understanding has given us everything we need to flourish and succeed. To quote Michah, “What does God require of you, O Man, but to do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God.”  We are the ones who create our own living hell by the selfish choices we make.       Having said that, I still pray,  though most often prayers of gratitude.   The older I get, the deeper my faith, though, I no longer call myself a Christian. The church has become too legalistic, rigid, nationalistic, power hungry for me.  Instead, I long to be a Jesus follower.  Consequently,  I am careful about how I pray and for what I pray.  Something fell into place years ago when I began attending 12 step meetings,  as  I immediately resonated to the 11th step.  “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understand God, seeking only God’s will for our lives and the courage to carry that out.”        I’ve never been able to  accept the almost universal understanding of the cross as God demanding a human sacrifice to serve as punishment for man’s sin.  The Cross makes more sense as the inevitable consequence of following Jesus’ example of non-violent problem solving and loving our enemies.  As one of our banners at church reads, “Nobody said it would be easy.”  Jim Lawson, one of the leaders of the Civil Rights Movement,  phrased it well.  “At the cross, Jesus spread out his arms and said, ‘Violence stops here.’ “   In the end refuting violence is what saves and transforms us as individuals and a society.      That ‘s some of why I struggle with “lead us not into temptation.”   God doesn’t need to place temptation in front of any of us.  Life does a very good job of that all by itself.  There are few moments in a day that we are not being pulled in a hundred different directions;  self interest, power and control, hoarding resources and money,  fear of suffering and pain,  loving comfort and luxury, judging others, etc.  These forces constantly pull us away from what we intuitively know is right and good…sharing with others, visiting the sick, caring for the prisoner, opening our homes, living with less, turning the other cheek… That’s why, when I pray the Lord’s Prayer, I say, “When we are tempted, deliver us from evil.”         Years ago I discovered a translation and/or a paraphrase of the Sermon on the Mount which included  the author’s version of the Lord’s Prayer:      “O Birther! Father-Mother of the Cosmos, focus your light within us – make it useful.  Create your reign of unity now – Your one desire then acts with ours, as in all light, so in all forms.  Grant what we need each day in bread and insight.  Loose the cords of mistakes binding us, as we release the strands we hold of others’ guilt.  Don’t let surface things delude us, but free us from what holds us back.  From you is born all ruling will, the power and the life to do, the song that beautifies all, from age to age it renews.  Truly – power to these statements – may they be the ground from which all my actions grow.  Amen       “Don’t let surface things delude us, but free us from what holds Us back.  Now that is a prayer I can pray easily and often. Joyce Shutt is the author of Steps to Hope and is a veteran 12 stepper #Step 11   #prayer