About ten years into our marriage, my husband and I hit a rocky patch, and we began counseling. We hadn’t gotten far into the issues when my counselor stopped me in the middle of a rant, “We’re not here to change your husband. We’re here to look at the ways you create your own unhappiness. Yes, if your account is accurate, he said some very hurtful things, but in the end, it is the interpretation and messages you give yourself and the spin you are creating that is making you unhappy, not what he said or did. My goal, if you agree to work with me, is to teach you how to detach and not to take what others say or do personally. Others’ beliefs and behaviors are theirs, not yours. Instead of getting upset by what you are taking as a personal attack, you need to step back, detach, and teach yourself to listen for important information they are giving you about themselves. That will end up being very important in forging a stronger relationship in the future. And if their criticism is valid, acknowledge it. There is nothing terrible in admitting that we are wrong.”
I’ve done a lot of counseling and attended a lot of 12-step meetings over the years, but that single piece of advice stands out as it completely changed my perspective and has served me well over the years. At first, I was hurt because she was not siding with me or criticizing what my husband had said and done. However, she kept insisting that my need to be right and in control was my problem, not his, and that changing him would not fix what was broken in me. I had a responsibility to myself to learn the skills I needed to negotiate the shoals of life. Blaming and shaming others would simply get in my way. Learning the skill of detaching and not taking things personally is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves. It is also a critical part of self-care.
I learned that I didn’t have to like or defend myself when I disagreed with someone. Nor did I have to take others’ criticisms personally. In fact, the more I could detach, step back, and actually listen to what others were saying, the more I began to understand them, their beliefs, their values, their fears and anxieties, and to see flaws in both theirs and my own thinking. Instead of blaming and shaming, I learned to value others’ opinions, often discovering that their ideas were actually more appropriate in many given situations. But I also learned to assert myself and to stand up for myself as needed.
Most of life’s interpersonal difficulties could be avoided if we just didn’t take what others say or do so personally. In fact, if we take ourselves out of the equation, we can better hear what the other is saying and be better equipped to disagree in love rather than hate. Not personalizing allows us to better understand where they are coming from, the experiences that have made them who they are. Knowing that we are free to disagree but still maintain the relationship, even to walk away if needed, is important. By taking this approach, we are saving ourselves from the distress that anger, fear, resentment, and hate can create.
I have had few spiritual experiences, or what I would describe as spiritual experiences, but each one has contained the same message. “For heaven’s sake, Joyce, just get over yourself!” I love that My Higher Power has a sense of humor and that It isn’t afraid to call me on my stuff. But, I also have to admit my reaction to those experiences has been to laugh at myself because I am all too aware I can get in my own way and often need a good dressing down.
Detaching and not taking things personally are skills we have to keep developing. We have to keep reminding ourselves that criticism is not as much about us as it is about the other person, their goals, their expectations, their beliefs, and their standards. In the end, it is not what the other person says or does that makes us miserable, it is the messages we give ourselves, the interpretations we place on others and ourselves, our own rigidity and need to be right and in control. In the end, we have to decide whether we want to be happy, grateful, and fulfilled, or miserable and unhappy. The choice is ours. No one can make us happy or miserable or take our self-respect away from us. As Abraham Lincoln said, “We can be just as happy as we make up our minds to be.”