I came back from exercise this morning reflecting on just how difficult self-care really is. In our culture self care often focuses on appearances, dressing nicely, eating well, getting massages, doing exercises, shopping therapy, etc. all of which have their place, but before any of those things can really fit into true self care we need to do the hard work of looking inward and taking care of our emotional and spiritual life. That is often extremely difficult because looking inward and doing that work brings up old hurts and wounds that we’ve clung to, ineffective defense mechanisms, and the many ways we avoid confronting our inner selves by projecting outward and blaming others for the hurts we feel.
One of the most important steps we can take in being kind to ourselves is not taking things personally. It is a given that others will say or do things that have the power to hurt us, but if we can step back and not take it personally, we can walk away free and unwounded. I recall a session with one of my counselors when my husband and I were having marital difficulties. I ran to her, broken and sobbing, eager to point out just how thoughtless he was, but she wasn’t having any of it. “Stop,” I remember her saying, holding up her hand. “Instead of seeing yourself as a victim here, own your power. Stop personalizing what you are choosing to see as attacks and instead listen to them as important information he is giving you about himself and how he is perceiving things. Doing that will give you all sorts of insights and help you own your power instead of feeling like a victim.” After I got done being angry with her, I began parsing his remarks, and with her help, I began to see things from a different perspective. Being able to go home and say, “I’ve been thinking about what you said, and you were right about…..” opened the door to a real conversation.
Learning not to take others’ words and actions personally did not come easily, but it is a skill that I’ve honed over a period of time, and I highly recommend it as a critical aspect of self-care. What I discovered is that people can only hurt me when I allow them to. Instead of personalizing their attacks or criticisms, I can hear what they are saying as important information I need to better understand them. And if their remarks and behavior are toxic and uncalled for, I still don’t need to take them personally. Not taking what others say and do personally is an important way of owning our own power. We may not be able to change something, but we also do not need to allow failure or differences of opinion to diminish us. Over time, I’ve learned to hear criticism from others as helpful information I can use to do a better job and be a better person.
I can’t stress enough just how crucial the 12 steps have been in helping me negotiate the shoals of life. Learning acceptance, to let go and let God, to live and let live, to live one day at a time, and to develop an attitude of gratitude are only a few of the gifts the program has given me. All have been critical in learning how to care for myself. Not having to be right or in control has been such a blessing. Keeping up appearances and needing to be strong when I’m feeling weak is such hard work, which I no longer feel compelled to do. What a relief to rest in the arms of my higher power and to allow it to be in charge.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.