Blogging eluded me yesterday. I simply didn’t have the energy or will power to develop a coherent theme. At this stage of life, blogging has become an important way of helping me reinforce the tools I need to get through my days. It also makes a good vehicle with which to share my 12 step wisdom, strength, and hope. Perhaps the insight I most need to hear today is this: Instead of fighting off my negative feelings and being disappointed with myself, I am being called to give myself the time and space I need to feel and process the things I need to feel and process. Time and again the program has reassured me that it’s safe to feel my feelings, welcome my exhaustion, and recognize recovery doesn’t occur in a straight line. I/you/we can’t heal if we keep running from our painful traumas and dysfunctions. Instead we can choose to stare them in the face and learn the lessons they seek to teach us.
Healing from our family addictions necessitated accepting many things that seemed unacceptable at the time. We had to let go of responses that no longer served us well, like blaming and shaming each other and instead learn how to give compliments and say “I love you.” I’m not sure why it is easier to focus on the negative than it is the positive, but it is, even when we are bombarded by kindness, possibilities, opportunities, and caring. An essential tool in my 12 step tool kit has been looking for the positives and possibilities that are always waiting to be discovered and acknowledged. As I slowly emerge from my blanket of grief, I find life’s shoulds once again making themselves known. I should have more energy. I should be more motivated. I should find it easier to write, blog, and edit my old materials. I should be accustomed to my husband’s death by now. I should be eating better. I should get more sleep. I should clean my house. I should be walking more. I should, I should, I should…
Instead I can choose to stop should-ing on myself and start giving myself credit for each day’s small victories. I can choose to get out my gratitude journal and add to my list of gratitudes. I can choose to give myself time to feel and heal. After all, the more I resist, the longer it will take to find my way. Starting right now I choose to stop expecting myself to be someplace I am not. I can accept this present moment and these feelings for what they are, neither interpreting them as good nor bad. After all, I know in my gut that I will heal and that it is safe to trust the process and give myself as much time as I may need.
