Opinion

Undocumented immigrants pay federal taxes. Undocumented immigrants pay state taxes. Undocumented immigrants pay local taxes. Undocumented immigrants pay sales taxes. To know the above information is to accept boring truths – that people who live among us in the 13th Congressional District and pick our fruit, staff our tourism industry, prepare our food, maintain our yards, and whose labor we rely on in so many ways , contribute to our society. And like generations of huddled masses before them, these taxpayers work hard and nurture families, supporting and sustaining America, all while denied a path to legal residency and its benefits. According to The American Immigration Council, “Undocumented immigrants in Pennsylvania paid an estimated $418.1 million in federal taxes and $238.3 million in state and local taxes in 2018. Pennsylvania DACA recipients and DACA-eligible individuals paid an estimated $17.4 million in state and local taxes in 2018.” That’s right, undocumented immigrants in Pennsylvania paid hundreds of millions of dollars in federal and state taxes in 2018 alone. Since then, estimates of taxes paid by undocumented immigrants have only grown larger, but to swallow the dehumanizing and Republican lie of “Illegals don’t pay taxes” is to be ignorant of this truth. In fact, Republican leadership has gone further to dupe their constituency by peddling the falsehood that US citizens must hand over their hard-earned money to pay for a wall that will keep “the illegals” out, when in recent years the largest group of undocumented laborers have simply overstayed their legal visas. That thousands of Americans have handily been defrauded of millions of dollars for “Build the Wall” grifts is no coincidence. People who believe hateful lies about immigrants are easily suckered into schemes that empty their pockets. Meanwhile, researchers at the Institute on Taxation and Economic Policy estimated that if undocumented immigrants had been granted legal status, they might have paid $51 million more in Pennsylvania state and local taxes in 2017 alone. In other words, a potential solution to our undocumented immigrant “problem” is to providethem a realistic route to achieve legal status. But you won’t hear this from any Republican who wants to trick Americans into filling the coffers of Trump’s cronies, and that includes Trumpian sycophant John Joyce. While no one person or organization has the perfect answer to immigration reform, we must start with the truth to move toward a solution. Who knows? We might be richer for it.

Webster’s Dictionary defines liberal arts as “college or university studies (such as language, philosophy, literature, abstract science) intended to provide chiefly general knowledge and to develop general intellectual capacities (such as reason and judgement) as opposed to professional or vocational skills.” Gettysburg College has long defined itself as such an institution. It was a liberal arts education that I received from that very institution in 1997. In the current political climate, institutions of higher learning – particularly those who teach liberal arts —  have found themselves under constant attack. Last week the college found itself, once again, embroiled in a national scandal, defending itself. In 2019, it was the surfaced yearbook photo of a Board of Trustees member dressed as a Nazi television character. Now, it is a flyer for a peace and justice student project that invited students to participate in an event where they would write and paint about how tired they were of cisgender White men. FOX News and other conservative media outlets ran with this story all week. That’s not at all shocking, and here is why: Right wing news outlets like to paint the left as being divisive and playing identity politics. And the left has allowed the right to run with and control this narrative. This needs to change and here is why: There are about 72 million registered Democrats in the US. Those 72 million Americans come from all walks of life, are of various shades, and live diverse lifestyles. To govern such an eclectic mix of people requires acceptance, embracing, and celebration of differences. So, yes, the Democrats do play identity politics. If they didn’t, the Democratic Party would look like… the Republican Party. But what the Democrats aren’t is divisive. Being divisive is these same news pundits not reporting that just a few weeks ago, Young America’s Foundation (YAF), a right wing student group, brought the right wing author, Ryan Anderson, to campus. Anderson is nationally known for his opposition to same-sex marriage. I didn’t see left wing news media outlets running that story. And the students and alumni who were interviewed in the conservative media failed to mention the continued harassing and threatening behaviors displayed towards minority students by cisgender, white, male students who ride around campus hurling racial epithets at minority students. I, myself, was verbally assaulted by a cisgender White male student in 2019. Of course, none of that is newsworthy. What is newsworthy is the right wing attempting to use identity politics against the left. The humorous part of this is that in their defense of cisgender White men they are validating the very need for the canceled event. Would they still be defending if the event had been for a women’s domestic violence shelter? Or a bachelorette party? Doubtful. Will my alma mater cower to social pressure, like it did over a 30 year old yearbook picture, or will it defend itself and its reputation as a liberal arts institution? Will it speak truth to power or will it bow down to the dollar? Will Gettysburg College defend and prioritize the “development of general intellectual capacities” promised in their liberal arts curriculum?

Our nation is divided.  The PA House/Senate, the Federal House/Senate.  The remarkable turnout in the midterms shows this clearly.  This gives us (the people) two choices: 1.  Let the leaders we elected continue to be middle school children and insult and score political points against the other party.  Nothing will be done that will benefit us (the people) but on a daily basis, we will get to rejoice in the best insult of the day. 2.  Decide that in spite of our differences, we are more alike than our political parties.  I believe we all see the same problems in America.  I believe that our solutions are different, however they can be resolved through compromise. (Note: compromise is not a weakness) Were there something as rare as 10 reasonable, rational, thoughtful Republicans that met with something equally as rare as 10 reasonable, rational, thoughtful Democrats in a room.  Tell them to list out the problems facing ordinary people and come up with a solution.  I would wager that problems could have an agreed solution in a couple of days. The Pennsylvania legislators make $90,000 a year. The Federal legislators make $174,000 a year.  We should make them earn their salaries by identifying problems, coming up with solutions, and implementing them for the good of the Commonwealth/Nation.

What a delight to witness the absence of candidate signs in the Gettysburg area. Leaving them upafter an election signifies either gloating or sour grapes; neither of which contributes to a community.

I had the pleasure of attending the debate hosted by Gettysburg Connection, partnered with Gettysburg College and I wanted to take the opportunity to share some of my thoughts from that evening. As a voter in this district, the attendance of Mr. Neil Belliveau was greatly appreciated. To me, he provided an alternative choice for those who do not feel at home with the Democrat and Republican parties or their candidates this year. During this debate, he brought some new ideas to the table that I feel could greatly benefit our district and even this state. He took the time and addressed many issues that we currently face in our community, including the wasteful spending of both parties, the mismanagement of state resources, the lack of quality education in Pennsylvania, and the abuse of our National Guard by the federal government (specifically mentioning support for Defend the Guard legislation). I also found his honesty to be refreshing when he yielded his time on topics he was not as familiar with, unlike his opponents, who provided the very typical forced or rehearsed political responses. I know the odds are stacked against him, but I believe his ideas and service to the voters are well worth mentioning. Maybe in the future, we as voters can find common ground between the two major parties and enact change in our local communities. To me, the Libertarian Party in our county makes sense.

When I evaluate a candidate, I look first at their basic character. Do they exhibit dignity, honesty, intelligence, and empathy?  Then I look at their purpose in running.  Candidates who demonstrate a commitment to public service win high marks. If they are running for office primarily to gain power, that is, for me, a major strike against them.  A candidate’s experience, especially in public service, counts high for me also: what do they  bring to the table? Also high on my list are the following issues and priorities:  addressing climate change, protecting democracy, protecting a woman’s right to bodily autonomy (which often affects not only herself, but the well-being of her family), making laws that address the increasing inequalities in our society, improving policing and a currently unjust prison system that is also costing taxpayers millions of dollars. In the area of education, I believe in lifting up the quality of public schools especially in underfunded neighborhoods, teaching good citizenship and the whole history of our great country, not shying away from its systemic racism and other foibles and realizing that we can only learn from our mistakes. Having met Josh Shapiro and John Fetterman more than once and become familiar with their character, backgrounds, relevant experience, and values, I believe they have the characteristics that are important to me and to many people whom I respect.  And I know they will do their best to protect us from the election deniers and other extremists who are tearing our country apart. Please join me in voting for Fetterman for U.S. Senate and Shapiro for Governor. I also advocate voting for our two local candidates:  Marty Qually for the General Assembly in Pa, and Beth Farnham for U.S. Congress (as a write-in candidate opposing John Joyce).  Marty and Beth are both committed to a woman’s right to choose her own destiny and to other values and issues in which I strongly believe.

During the debate last week that included Republican incumbent Dan Moul and Democrat challenger Marty Qually, a question was asked about the state’s response to Covid. Qually pointed out the challenge of getting everyone to believe the science. “We’ve got to get to a point where we believe the people who are specialists in these areas,” he said. “We believe in the people who make our cars, that they won’t explode on us, but we don’t want to believe the doctors – people who we trust every time we go to get medicine.” Moul agreed with his opponent about a need for personal responsibility, then added, “When you have elected officials that really don’t know a thing about medicine – they’re not scientists.” “Don’t let a governor lock you down, put you out of business …,” Moul said. There was no question presented about what qualifies anyone to know about medicine – or any other science – but apparently, Moul did not believe Gov. Tom Wolf – or any other elected officials worldwide – who issued lock-down orders to their citizens – might have had the benefit of medical advice from his or her staff, cabinet, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, or doctors across the planet. I do understand a business owner’s need to keep the money flowing. After all, that is the purpose of any business – not to create jobs or provide medical insurance for the employees, but to make money for the business owner. That’s a good thing – making money – because without it we likely would not have restaurants, retail stores, pharmacies or any other sources of stuff we want and cannot or choose not to make at home. But I object to the apparent premise that profits are more important than lives. Case in Point: scientists have been saying, loudly and often, that climate warming is a big and growing problem and burning fossil fuels is the main cause. There are ample data showing that carbon dioxide and methane are terrible greenhouse gases and that in every stage of fossil fuel use – from drilling to wrest it from the clutches of our planet to burning and emitting its toxic effluent into our atmosphere – we are, figuratively and literally, poisoning ourselves and our children. Yet a large number of our policy makers have decided the most important results of the process seem to be not the electricity or motor fuel it helps make possible. The most important results, according to many politicians and other policymakers, are the jobs created by the inexorable destruction of our home. There are safer alternatives. Solar power creates jobs, from manufacturing the components to installing and maintaining the arrays of fans and sunlight-collecting panels that collect the electricity to power our homes and a growing array of vehicles. Livestock and green people-food can be grown beneath the wind and solar arrays. Try that beneath a coal or gas-fired electricity plant. Restaurants have replaced many of their wait staff with home delivery services – waiters and waitresses now drive to pick up our evening repast and deliver it to our door– although it will be interesting to see how those delivery companies manage the shift to driverless vehicles. Some of our better-known eateries have begun replacing staff with robots. Some versions squirt ingredients onto our meal as it travels the assembly line, while others, such as Chili’s Rita can show us to our table if we choose to eat in, and even sing a birthday song, when appropriate, to accompany our dessert. An official with Chili’s parent company, Brinker International, was quoted in April saying program testing had been going on about two years – well before the current much-touted post-Covid labor shortage arrived on the food service scene. One might wonder whether servicing those robots might result in more jobs, with the higher pay that normally accrues to technologically skilled workers. We all likely have learned much about how to handle a pandemic – information and experience likely to be useful in the too-near future. But when our elected leaders turn the subject into a distracting game of political blame, they do not help us with the tribulations – or benefits – to come.

Articles from the news magazine Scientific American,have helped me understand (and resolve) many of my puzzlements concerning far-right conservative thinking, motivation and beliefs. Scientific American endorsed Joe Biden in 2020, after 175 years of political neutrality.   In a recent article, Scientific American explained how brains heal following stroke and addressed the likely process of John Fetterman’s health following this stroke. You can read the article here. John Fetterman Shows How Well the Brain Recovers after Stroke – Scientific American

It has been said this election is about the soul of our democracy. I would agree. The events of January 6, 2021 demonstrate how real the threat is to that “soul.” I find there is no way to have a conversation with those who want to represent the other side of the issues. I view inflation and the higher cost of living as a global problem and the fallout of the pandemic, the supply and demand issues it created along with the job markets glut. Others would blame the Democratic administration who has only had a year and a half to address the quagmire of the previous administration’s work, or lack there of. See what I mean, already the arguments against these comments are firing up. We could move on to women’s rights and abortion, or, or, or… but we would find no common ground. Perhaps the same would be true on voting rights and redistricting and mail-in ballots, but where is the common ground? Is there any? I would contend that in the fog of debate over the issues there is one simple fact that we don’t have to agree upon, but is objectively verified by Republican, Democrat, and MAGA appointed judges, the stone-hard cold fact that the last presidential election was and is legitimate. It has been tested and retested across the political battlefield by our court system over 60 times. So, since this is the only hard, cold fact I can offer, I also believe it might be that patch of common ground. One little bit we might support together: agreeing that one person, one vote is the right of every U.S. citizen; agreeing this is the “soul of our democracy,” agreeing that anyone who would deny that to you and me should never hold a public office. And here is the kicker, agreeing that anyone who is delusional enough to deny what over 60 court cases presided over by Republican, Democrat and MAGA appointed judges have found should most certainly never hold public office. Or put another way, I would suggest that our common ground in the midst of all we can’t agree on, is to agree that no one denying the last presidential election should get even one of our votes. It’s all I have. All the rest requires a politic that will work at the debate, compromise, and hard work good government demands.

Having been called out by name by Dan Moul at Wednesday night’s debate, I’d like to claim the privilege to respond. First, Dan Moul started his two-minute opening remarks criticizing opponent Marty Qually for having already gone negative. “I didn’t know we were going into the attack mode right off the bat – I was hoping to keep it a little more civil.”  Then he said normally, he ignores attacks. “I’ve grown a very thick skin over the years. . . .” Finally, he said, “I’m going to go down a different road,” which you’d assume means he plans to take the high road and stick to issues. But the different road was to instead take his entire two-minute opening statement to attack two constituents, Steve Niebler and me. It was an astonishing performance. I’ve been acquainted with many politicians over the years and never saw such a reaction. For one, to lash back at criticism from constituents. Even more important, to give up the most important two minutes of the debate (opening statements) for such foolishness. Every candidate knows the opening statement is your one-time chance to set the tone and lay out the key themes that you will then develop during the debate. Now, as for the rest of the debate: Kudos to Charles Stangor (as well as the college’s Eisenhower Institute and other institutes) for sponsoring this event Well done to Alex Hayes for doing an outstanding job of moderating A great job by the audience, writing excellent questions and behaving themselves throughout the event Thanks to the candidates for showing up and, once the flow of questions started, sticking to issues and keeping things civil Three rotten tomatoes and four Pinocchios to Dan Moul for continuing to repeat the ridiculous lie of a dishonest, insecure, stolen election. Untold damage is being done to the country and our democracy by politicians continuing to repeat this nonsense. Donald Trump’s lawyers, his attorney general, his campaign officials, his family; Republican leaders of Congress all knew – and told Trump repeatedly – that the election wasn’t stolen, that Joe Biden won. Dan Moul should be ashamed for continuing to repeat this dangerous lie.

I’ve been an eligible voter since 1972.  I believed 2020 was by far the most important election of my lifetime.  As November 8th approaches, I think this one is just as important as 2024 will be. In Pennsylvania, we have a gubernatorial candidate put forth by the (erstwhile) Party of Lincoln whose beliefs and actions are diametrically opposed to Lincoln’s. A candidate who – as a state senator – took busloads of people to the January 6th riot and insurrection. He spent the two months before that spreading disinformation and attempting to keep Pennsylvania’s electoral votes from being cast for Joe Biden, who won the state by more than 100,000 votes. Not only was Doug Mastriano a ringleader – along with our former Congressman Scott Perry – in the attempt to overturn the 2020 results, but he does not hide the fact that one reason he’s seeking the Governor’s office is to be in a position to appoint a Secretary of State who will do his bidding and refuse to certify an electoral result he does not like. This is a dangerous man. He has no respect for democracy and seeks to install a MAGA dictatorship of “Christian Nationalism.” Pennsylvanians need to resoundingly reject Mastriano to send a message to the nation and the world that we still believe in democracy. Kevin McDonald

Adams County Democratic Committee stands solidly behind Marty Qually as a candidate for Pennsylvania House District 91.  It’s time for an 8-term incumbent who has not brought significant value back to Adams County to retire.  Even his supporters do not mention a single accomplishment of the incumbent. There is a new generation and new influx of voters who want a representative to hold their ideals and hopes for not only the county, but the state and nation.  The incumbent refuses to discuss the single most important and energizing issue of this election:  the personal liberties that are under attack, starting with the overturn of Roe vs. Wade by the US Supreme Court. The candidate of our choice, and for choice, is Marty Qually, and I urge those who have not already voted for him by mail to vote for him on Election Day. This election starts at the local level, but we must vote for the statewide candidates as well, and the differences are stark. Those candidates on the ballot who share our ideals and hopes and will work to preserve our personal liberties and our democracy are John Fetterman for US Senate and Josh Shapiro for Governor with Austin Davis for Lt. Governor.  Their actions speak for themselves, and any concerns about Lt. Governor Fetterman’s health should be allayed by his steady and ongoing recovery from the effects of a stroke.  Anyone who’s had a stroke or has been with a stroke survivor knows that auditory difficulties are part of the residual effect and his recovery is exactly on target to regain full auditory range.  His cognizance, analytical and vocal skills are intact. If you’ve voted by mail, thank you!  If not, please plan to vote on November 8th for these candidates.

It has become obvious that [gubernatorial candidate] Doug Mastriano has a distorted view of United States history and the constitution.  You can clearly see that in his view of religion and our government.  Christians came to America because they were being persecuted by other Christians in their homeland.  And even in America, Christians were still persecuted by other Christians.  The founding fathers including Washington, Jefferson, and Madison could have easily included Christianity in the constitution, but they saw the danger of having a religious state.  It is why they not only excluded religion but included the No Religious Test Clause (Article VI, Clause 3) and the First Amendment.  Article VI, Clause 3 states that the office holder be bound by Oath or Affirmation, to support the Constitution, not their religion. Like Mastriano, I’m also a Christian, but his beliefs are based on fear, anger and hate forged by lies.  Whereas my beliefs are based on understanding, compassion, and love forged by Christ’s command “love thy neighbor as thy self”.   Mastriano wants to legislate his religious beliefs on all of us.  He believes Oz as a Muslim has no place holding an elected office.  Joyce and Moul have shown they are more beholden to extreme influencers outside of their districts than to their constituents.  Oz will be the same. Shapiro for governor, Fetterman for senate, Qually for state representative, District 91, and Beth Farnam as a write-in for Congressional District 13 will follow the constitution and ensure the well-being of all their constituents.

I had lunch at The Upper Crust recently, and there was a surcharge of a little over 2.5 percent on the bill for using a credit card. When I asked, I was told that credit card company charges are in the neighborhood of 5 percent now. There are no words for my outrage, but in the current climate that warns of inflation, it appears that “fleecing” is a more appropriate description. I really don’t want to go to cash (I use cards to document my spending and it helps with budgeting) but when financial markets are being manipulated, I think the public ought to know. There is no such thing as a free market, and it’s simply infuriating there is so much grift and profit being made off this “inflation.” If the increases are indeed true, my anger would be directed to the card companies more than the venues. I recognize that cards charge fees, so when I shop with small businesses, I tend to use cash because they need all the breaks they can get. I also use cash to tip, so employers don’t have a way to monitor what low wage employees take home. I’ll be keeping my eye on other establishments I visit to see who else might be doing this same thing.

We can only say the world is changing in “unforeseen” ways if we haven’t been paying attention. We haven’t yet experienced widespread disruptions here in Adams County, but things like supply shortages, crop losses, property and infrastructure damage, and prolonged power outages, are becoming daily more conceivable in light of what we see happening in so many other places in the world. It’s too late to reverse all of what’s already in process, but there’s No Time Like The Present for us to be thinking together about adaptations we can develop locally, both technical and social, to help us deal with the coming changes. We need to be engaging the best of our local ingenuity and resources–strengthening our relationships and community connections in the process. It might be time to revive/re-invent the Adams County Arts Council’s “Imagination Station” as a kind of Open Source Community Design Think Tank. Dreamers and Visionaries encouraged to apply. Rev. Cindy Terlazzo, pastor of the Unitarian Universalists of Gettysburg, expressed these thoughts beautifully in her September 25, 2022 sermon, entitled “Re-Imagining the World,” excerpted here with her permission: “Friends – when was the last time you made space in your life to dream – to really dream and envision the future AND to imagine the world you want to live in – the world you want your children and your grand-children to live in? We have spoken before about the power of our thoughts, the power of the stories we tell ourselves and how those thoughts, those stories, are the seeds of what manifests in our lives. We are living through a cascade of crises that keep us in a state of constant siege, endlessly reacting to assaults on our bodies and psyches. We need to resist in order to survive, but resistance alone keeps us locked in a power struggle that doesn’t create the world we long for. We need to do more than resist. We need to re-imagine. We need to explore visions of a world where we all can flourish. We won’t ever fully be able to transition our individual lives, much less the whole of humanity, into a new place unless we are able to imagine it first. [We need to] re-imagine the institutions of power that order our world. So often we are good at identifying what isn’t working, but how often do we invest ourselves in imagining the world as it could be? Take a moment right now to close your eyes and think about what you would like to re-imagine in your life? Can you imagine a society in which we are able to seek justice, to hold those who cause harm to others accountable for their actions, while at the same time doing this with a spirit of compassion – a spirit that values healing for all as its highest goal? Are there changes in our many broken systems – criminal justice, immigration, education, infrastructure, economic equity and more that you can imagine existing in a way that serves the common good? Imagining possibility is the first step toward change of any kind. There are so many things in this world that need attention, that need to be re-imagined. Let us give ourselves permission to embrace the potential to be found in our collective imagination – for we cannot do this work alone – AND then let us commit ourselves to keeping our eyes on the prize of what such imagination can bring.”

I have never met a person who hasn’t hurt or disappointed me.  In the same way, I have never met anyone I can’t love, if I really try.  Granted, there are people  I don’t like, but liking is different from loving.  Loving is about respecting another’s right to live a full and rewarding life.  There are those who are so embittered, broken, and angry they leave behind toxic fumes wherever they go, just as there are those who exude so much good will and gratitude they fill a room with sunshine.  Yet even the worst of us sometimes perform acts of kindness, and the best of us do cruel and thoughtless things.   We hurt and disappoint each other far too often.  That’s part of being human.  That’s why we are urged to “let it go.”  Unlike an Amish quilt in which a flaw is deliberately worked into the pattern because only God is perfect, we don’t need to deliberately make mistakes; we can hurt and disappoint others without even trying.   We’ve been told to forgive and forget.  Instead of trying to forget , however, we need to learn from our pain as no pain should be wasted.  Forgiveness involves disconnecting our emotions from the event so we can come  to see what happened through a different set of eyes.  Forgiving involves becoming sensitive to the wounds the other carries, as well as seeking to discover the part we may have played in what happened.  Every act, every experience seeks to teach us something about what it means to be human, to become less judgmental by refusing to personalize what’s happened.  After all, everyone is more than the worst or the best thing they have ever done. Yes, we can do terrible things to each other.  We misunderstand, criticize, judge, and condemn each other.  We hold unrealistic expectations.  We get caught up in our own fears and selfishness.  We become blind to other’s pain or disappointment.  In the end, it’s not what the other does that matters, however cruel and thoughtless; it’s the spin we give to their actions or words.  We are the ones who wound ourselves by how we interpret and frame what happened.  We are the ones who cling to our hurts, massage our pain, re-victimize ourselves  by reliving and enlarging what happened.   We are the ones who take on another’s criticisms as truth.  In the end, the best revenge is simply refusing to give the other power to hurt us by brooding over the past. As one of my counselor’s once told me, “instead of hearing what’s said as criticism, try to hear what’s said as important information the other is giving you about how they feel or think is important.  After all, when someone is critical, they are not really saying anything about you, but telling you something about themself.” Step Nine is the making amends step.  Before we can forgive another, we need to forgive ourselves for taking on unnecessary hurts.  Step Nine reminds us, just as we hope others will cut us some slack, we need to do the same for them. That’s why all languages have words for saying, “I’m sorry.”  The best way to make amends, my granddaughter once observed,  is by changing our behavior. “I’m sorry” means little if one keeps doing the same thing over and over.  Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote, “Finish each day and be done with it.  You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in.   Tomorrow is a new day…begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with the old nonsense.”

Some mornings I wake up with an idea already percolating.  Sometimes my morning walks bring things into focus.  Sometimes  I just sit and stare into space.  That was this morning.  As I stared out the window, I reached for one of my collections of sayings and read, “Writing is like driving a car at night.  You never see further than your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.” (E.L. Doctorow)  That’s all it took.  My mind went from driving a car at night to a TED talk which stressed the importance of boredom.  Most truly important insights seem to come out of the blue, the speaker insisted,  because it is when we are bored that our minds have time to make crucial connections.  If I remember correctly, Einstein came up with his concept of relativity while waiting for a train. One of the great tragedies of modern life is that we allow technology to fill all the empty spaces in our day.  Now, instead of simply waiting in the car for the kids to get out of school or standing in line, we pull out our cell phones and scroll through facebook, twitter, and news feeds.  We’d be so much better off if we just accepted down time as a gift.  After all, staring into space and giving our overactive brains a rest is very healthy.  Instead we’ve become passive recipients of whatever we see or hear on our cell phones or computers. Boredom is good! Many have the TV on all day where it becomes white noise.  We spent hours on our cell phones and computers.  It’s no wonder we’re tired, stressed, and can’t sleep.  Whether conscious of it or not, we are constantly taking in background sounds  and information.  That’s precisely why people learning a foreign language often listen to tapes while sleeping.   Our brains are just like computers; they feed back what we put into  them. That’s why boredom and sleep is so important.  Our brains need time to absorb what we experience and see.  Many a song has been written, a painting visualized, a business decision been made while sleeping or on a long commute.  It’s when we sleep or zone out that our brains are able to make critical connections, fill in a missing piece, sort out our feelings, reactions, and experiences. Albert Einstein once observed that “any fool can know.  The point is to understand.”   And to understand, we have to occasionally stop the world and get off, space out, feel bored, or focus on just being.  It’s a bit like a call to worship we sometimes use.  “Be still and know that I am God.  Be still and know that I am.   Be still and know.  Be still.  Be” 

Most mornings my friend and I walk the streets of Fairfield, waking our sleepy bodies by walking to great conversation.   Yesterday we both attended the fall performance of the Gettysburg Chamber Orchestra.  It was an emotional experience for both of us.  For me, the tribute to 9/11 brought memories of bodies jumping from those burning towers and my husband’s still warm, spirit empty body lying in his beloved chair, while she was caught up into her own memories and pain as she drank in the strains of the sometimes dark and sometimes lyrical gut wrenching music. She emerged from the concert energized and full to overflowing.  I left broken and exhausted.  The music was just too emotional and intense.  I had no defense for the array of feelings the music tapped into..   Oh, the power of music. Losing track of time or how far we were walking,this morning, we shared many of our musical memories.  It didn’t take long until we  began sharing our feelings about hymns and church music.  She comes from a tradition in which the words of praise songs are projected up on a screen without a musical score and a praise band.  I come from a tradition that only began introducing a piano or other instruments into our churches during my lifetime.  Today most of our Mennonite churches use pianos, organs, and other instruments, but our centuries old tradition of line singing hymns and then moving to acapella singing with four part harmony continues to shape our choice of church music.   There is no right or wrong,.  There are just different traditions, all amazing and soul enriching in their unique ways.  There is power in music, obstacle removing power.   Music has this way of erasing differences and bringing disparate individuals into community, if for only a few moments or hours.  There is something contagious and transformative about sharing a musical experience whether it’s singing the “Hallelujah Chorus,” “Rock,me, rock me,” or “Bridge over Troubled Waters.  Pre Covid, thousands of us from little Adams County would come together on the 4th of July to listen to our Gettysburg Chamber Orchestra belt out patriotic songs, Sousa marches, and the finale of the 1812 overture with cymbals clashing, and drums booming and fireworks flashing in the sky.  No on cared if they voted right or left.  We’d all jump to our feet, reach for a stranger’s hand and sing, “God bless America” tears streaming down our faces.   There is power in music, wonder working obstacle removing power.  Power to heal.  Power to inspire. Power to begin feeling again. Power to tap into the secrets we hide from ourselves and others.  Power to forgive.  Power to reawaken love.  After my husband died, I could not sing.  The lump in my throat was too big and tears blurred my eyes.  I factually found it hard to attend church because it was the music that made me come unglued.  This Sunday, seven months since he died, was the first I was able to find my voice, shaky and feeble as it was.  No matter how happy or sad, the combination of familiar hymn tunes and lyrics have this way of slipping past my defenses to help me heal.  And for that, I say, “Praise God.”

Last evening my granddaughter showed me a collection of  photographs she’d taken.  I was blown away.  As we scrolled through her various collections of trees, marshes, water, and ocean sunrises, she’d often comment, ‘this one’s no good.  It’s blurry,’ or  “the light’s not right in this one.  It almost hides that tree”  or “this didn’t turn out the way I wanted.”  to which I’d say, “zoom on this corner of the photo.  Look how the light that blurs the tree highlights the moss growing at its base. Crop your picture to capture the different colors and textures of the moss and you’ve got a winner. After all, that’s what the professionals do. They often discard 9/10ths of a picture just to focus on a single bird.” What she’s coming to discover is that photography is like everything in life.  It’s all about perception and perspective.  Our lives are defined by our perception about what goes on around us and our perspective, the way we understand what we see and experience.  In fact, it is impossible to focus on everything at once.  Our understanding is limited by where we are, whom we are with, the sounds we hear and the emotions we feel.  When I go for my walks I miss most of what is around me because a single flower will catch my eye but in doing so I miss the elegant grasses growing a foot away.  When I focus on a stand of trees I am unaware of the tiny veins running through the trees’ leaves.  When I drink in the vista of mountains framed by a cornfield in the foreground, I miss the barn and tree off to one side.  When I am talking to a friend, I become oblivious to what is happening around me. Perception is reality, my husband liked to say.  The extent of our education, work experiences, family heritage, opportunities to travel, the friends we choose, the church we attend, or don’t attend, all helps shape, not just our perspective, but our perception of things.  While zooming in on one small area of our granddaughter’s photographs may create an amazing work of art, it also prevents us from seeing the larger setting in which the moss grew.  Aside from the pictures we see and what astronomers tell us, all we know about the vast universes within universes in which we live on our small corner of this planet we call Earth.  Perception.  Perspective.   It all depends on what we choose to see and how open we are to expanding or reducing our vision.  It’s a bit like Gustave Flaubert who said about his writing. “ I spent the morning putting in a comma and the afternoon removing it.”  or John Coltrane when asked to describe his style of jazz, “I start in the middle and move in both directions at once.”  And then there is Leo Buscaglis’ “A single rose can be my garden – a single friend my world.”

The student debt crisis is largely one of the Republicans’ making. Among the main reasons college became so unaffordable is the slashed state contributions to their state college systems, started during the Reagan presidency, largely brought about because of the George Bush recession and engineered by Republican state legislatures. The average state spent $1,448, or 16 percent, less per student in 2017 than in 2008. Per-student funding in Pennsylvania – and six other states – fell by more than 30 percent over this period. This increased the cost of college and put more and more students in reach of the moneylenders. The terms of student loans are so unfavorable to students – where you can repay more than you borrowed over time and still have a balance larger than what you borrowed – because the Reagan DOE and Republican Congresses wrote the terms that way. Student loans could have been done like FHA, directly by the government or under strict regulations, but instead were created to give total freedom to predatory lenders. An entire generation now is saddled with debt that no generation before ever experienced . This doesn’t just affect their standard of living. They can’t buy a house, start a family, start a business, dream, make plans. Our entire economy is impoverished. So, Biden took some meaningful steps to fix this problem. It’s not just the debt he extinguished. He also set a limit on how much you can be charged and fixed it so people won’t be looking at a bigger loan than what they borrowed a decade later. Wow, you’d have thought he created a federal healthcare program, or investigated an insurrection. Why are the Republicans so angry? Because it’s so unfair to all those kids who learned a trade and didn’t go to college? The Republicans? Really? Today’s Republican party, collectively, is the most lightly taxed group since the income tax was instituted and the most heavily subsidized group ever. Tax cuts. Massive shift of tax burden from Red to Blue states. Home mortgage deductions (a housing subsidy that dwarfs affordable housing subsidies, by the way). Capital gains. PPP. Come to think of it, why are handouts to business (PPP) ok and aid to individuals (enhanced unemployment) “just encourages people not to work?” Why are students who have been working for a decade “too lazy to work?” One reason is the double standard. People who get tax breaks and PPP giveaways are “hard working” and “job creators” and “Never got a dime from the government; I worked for everything I got. ”People who file for unemployment or whose standard of living would improve if the minimum wage went up or who can’t go back to work because there’s no child care are “freeloaders” or “don’t want to work.” There was a brief moment in the early days of the pandemic when the food pantry lines ballooned with middle class workers that there was hope of a more compassionate “there but for the Grace of God …” response, but the federal aid largely allowed the middle class to float through Another reason is the Republican party objective of denying Biden a win. They recognize this can be a win for Biden and so once again they’re fanning the flames of white resentment. The problem with the Republican party is, they don’t care how much you suffer.

When I first read about PA State Senate candidate John Fetterman renting a plane to tow a banner making fun of his opponent Mehmet Oz’s New Jersey home, I thought that was clever. And reinforcing it with an ad featuring reality star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi of MTV’s “Jersey Shore” jabbing at Oz for leaving his “home” in New Jersey.” Yeah, cute. But then “Sopranos” and E street rock band star Stevie van Zandt with the same message? Uh, didn’t we do that already? And now, after seeing the “crudité” ad a dozen times and the “Oz owns 10 houses” ad probably 50, I can’t be the only voter in the state wondering “Does he actually believe anything?” What once was a witty campaign now runs the risk of becoming a huge liability. And some analyses suggest Fetterman’s lead might be narrowing. By now Pennsylvania voters should be awash in “contrast” ads. Climate change. Worker issues. Trade. Immigration. Tax reform. Fracking. Abortion. I don’t know about other parts of the state, but I’ve seen none of that from Fetterman. As a candidate who recently suffered very publicly from a severe stroke, Fetterman has a vulnerability to charges of ill health that other statewide candidates don’t. Oz is asking “Why won’t my opponent debate me? What is he hiding? Doesn’t he think Pennsylvania voters have a right to know where their candidates stand?” And Oz is also making statements questioning his “endurance.” Yes, you may roll your eyes and say “isn’t that sleazy?” But don’t kid yourself they don’t work. Remember all those “Hillary is unwell” ads in 2016? No campaign to speak of. No platform. No debates. And an ad campaign that is the moral equivalent of driving around the state in a pickup truck: I’m more authentic than he is. John, you’re a great guy, and if you win you’ll do fine as a senator. But right now, you’re running a terrible campaign. So far, you’ve been helped by the fact that Oz might be running an even worse one. But if he comes out with some hard hitting ads, nothing special, just the usual GOP attack ads – soft on terrorism, anti-police, anti-gun, critical race theory – he could find his legs and you could be in trouble. In fact, John, you’re already in deep trouble. Starting with the 1970 “If Tydings wins, you lose” campaign, negative ads have proven effective against feckless Democrats. As the polls narrow, the GOP is going to pour more money in. We know he’s from New Jersey and we know he’s rich. Thanks. What else ya got?

With continuing gridlock in Washington and increased state legislative action on guns, election laws, abortion, and many other issues, state legislatures are more and more important. Republicans have had an advantage in state governments for a long time but this advantage grew significantly in 2010, when Democratic timidity in the face of the Obamacare backlash led to a drubbing in national and state races. This defeat was especially poorly timed since the GOP used their control of purple states like Wisconsin, Ohio, North Carolina, and Pennsylvania to gerrymander essentially permanent control of the congressional delegations and state legislatures. As an example, in Pennsylvania, Democrats won 55% of the total votes cast statewide for State House candidates in 2018, but won only 46% of the seats. Currently, Pennsylvania Republicans control 28 of 50 state senate seats and 113 of 203 state House seats. (Before the 2018 elections, the count was 34-16 and 121-82.) Pennsylvania has had divided government since 2015; before then, Pennsylvania suffered through GOP trifecta (control of both houses of the legislature and the governor) 12 of the previous 20 years. Ballotpedia also uses the term “triplex” to describe states where one party controls the key statewide offices of governor, attorney general, and secretary of state. As of August 2022, Pennsylvania was one of 18 Democratic triplexes (22 Republican and 10 divided) and one of 13 states where neither party held a trifecta (23 Republican and 14 democratic). It is vital to maintain that triplex and to get back control of the legislature. We know the playbook when the GOP seizes total control of a state: successive rounds of legislation to make gun ownership easier, voting harder, and abortions impossible. Right to work laws. Voter suppression. Gender laws, cutbacks on education, voucher programs, and stricter controls on what teachers can do. And we also know their plan to emasculate Democratic governors: pass constitutional amendments to remove powers. We’ve already seen this in Pennsylvania and more is coming. Pennsylvania is a closely divided state but it is only one bad election from joining Ohio, Florida, and Texas in the race to the bottom. Get out and volunteer! And vote!

Earlier this morning my neighbor, who was walking his dog,  stopped to chat.  He reported reading an article in the New York Times about the correlation of dogs with  depression and dementia and exercise.  Once we had exhausted that topic we explored that topic of plants.  “You know plants have feelings,” he said.  “Scientists are discovering the many ways plants and trees form communities in which they actually nurture and care for each other by sending out chemical signals when insects attack or they experience other forms of danger.   Ours is an amazing world.  We humans tend to think of ourselves as somehow superior to and far more important than a butterfly or wolf, bees or trees, yet we each play a critical part in the delicate balance of nature. I often listen to Science Friday on NPR.  Last week they discussed climate change and ways scientists are trying to control the weather by seeding clouds to make it rain, etc.  We’ve been programmed to see ourselves as superior to and separate from nature, but in reality we are just another animal species which is integrally connected to its environment. Consequently, we thoughtlessly cut down trees, pave fertile land, drain wetlands to build luxury louses, and clear our coastal marsh lands never considering the ways we are creating the situations that threaten our very existence.  Ironically, we may end up being one of the shortest lived species that has evolved in the billions of years our planet has existed. Our discussion group at church has been studying Kahil Gibran’s beautiful book, The Prophet.  Sunday we discussed the section on houses.  Gibran begins by speaking to the healing aspects of green spaces, trees, and water after which he says our obsession with power and possessions is destroying our minds, bodies, and souls.  ‘Your lust for comfort and pretty things makes puppets of your larger desires,’ he writes.  “Though its hands are silken, its heart is of iron.  It lulls you to sleep only to stand by your bed and jeer at the dignity of the flesh.  It makes mockery of your sound senses, and lays them in thistledown like fragile vessels.  Verily the lust for comfort murders the passion of your soul, and then walks grinning in the funeral.” Once again I find myself praying the serenity prayer…not to influence the God of my understanding, but to remind myself that while I can’t change the world, I can change myself, and thus help change the world in some small way.  I can help my daughter put solar panels on her roof since our condo association does not allow for solar panels. I can plant more native flowers that attract bees and butterflies. I can find ways to use less water, electricity, and fossil fuels. I can wash and reuse plastic bags and use reusable bags when shopping, I can avoid impulse buying to avoid accumulating unneeded stuff. I can help plant trees.  I can vote for leaders who take climate change seriously.  The list goes on and on. God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  Amen.

I’ve been missing him more lately. Perhaps it comes from visiting family and scattering some of his ashes at  the foot of his parents’ gravestone. Perhaps it’s the letdown following a very positive family gathering. Perhaps it was celebrating his birthday with the children and grandchildren by each eating a bowl of coffee ice cream (his favorite) and then sending pictures back and forth. Perhaps it was going through papers and finding his birth certificate, high school diploma, passports, and other reminders of our shared life. Perhaps it is the simple realization that he’s never coming back.   Edna St. Vincent Millay’s sonnet Lament scrolls through my mind. “Life goes on though good men die.  Life goes on. I forget just why.” I grieve with two dear friends whose beloved partners died within the past three weeks. Knowing there is nothing I can do to make things easier for them fills me with both sadness and love. Walking the neighborhood, lush with flowers, green grass, soaring trees, shadowed hillsides soothes my soul. I am so grateful I discovered the power of gratitude in the 12 step program.   While going through those family records with our daughter, she and I agreed that one of the things that makes his death so painful is that he spent so much of his life emotionally absent and absorbed in his career and volunteer work. He was rarely home when the kids were growing up. Not only was he busy being busy, he fought crippling arthritis his entire adult life.  It was only later in life that he became more present to us and he began trying to be more attentive. He often said that the arrival of grandchildren gave him a second chance, calling forth that gentle tender part of him he had earlier tried to hide. The older he got the more present he became to all of us. The fact that the months leading up to his death were among the best of our 63 years together is one of the reasons it’s been so hard letting him go.  When I think of what we could have shared….but I dare not go there. We had what we had and it was good. Like Hamlet I often find myself wondering what the future will bring and ask myself “To be, or not to be? That is the question—Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And, by opposing, end them?” The idea of whether it  is better to live or to die….”    Whether it is better to live or die? I may be feeling sad this morning, but one thing is clear.  I have an answer for Hamlet. I want to live! Like Joshua who said unto all the people [of Israel], … choose you this day whom ye will serve; … but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord” (Josh. 24:2, 15)    And what better way to serve the Lord but to live my remaining days filled to overflowing with gratitude that he was and remains an integral part of who I am? 

Worrying has never solved anything or helped anyone succeed in life. Being concerned is different than worrying. Being concerned acknowledges there are needs and issues to be rationally addressed. Worrying, on the other hand, is like having a gerbil wheel running nonstop in one’s head. It’s worry that robs us of our sleep and keeps us from thinking clearly or creatively. Worry is projecting slings and arrows of outrageous fortune that rarely exist. Worry can be an avoidance mechanism. Worry saps our strength and prevents us from tackling what we can do right now.   When Jesus tells us to stop worrying about the morrow, what we shall eat and what we shall drink because God knows what we need, he is not telling us to sit back and wait for God to magically solve our problems. When the program tells us to let go and let God, it isn’t suggesting that we be passive recipients of life. When Corrie Ten Boom wrote that any concern too small to be made into a prayer is too small to be made into a burden, she is pointing out that instead of stewing about this or that, we take time to pray — because prayer has this way of clarifying one’s thinking. After all, we pray not to inform God of what we need, but to remind ourselves that God has already given us everything we require to solve our problems and enjoy life.  The root of worry is fear. Fear of loss. Fear of failure. Fear of losing face. Fear of being criticized. Fear of not being accepted. The list goes on. Thus the more we worry and stew about something, the bigger our problems seem to become, and the less opportunity we give God, time, and our rational selves to redefine and resolve the problem. It’s all too easy to turn little bumps in the road into dangerous mountain passes by worrying about everything that could go wrong, rather than being grateful for all that goes right. The more tightly we cling to our worries, the more the answers tend to elude us. Frequently, just stepping back and doing something else is enough to resolve the situation. When my husband died, I worried about whether I could learn how to pay my bills online. I worried about how I’d fill my days. I worried that life would have little meaning without him to share it. I worried about my ability to adjust and adapt to my new reality. I worried myself awake at night when I desperately needed sleep. I worried I’d never regain my energy. I worried I’d never be happy again. In spite of all my worrying, none of my fears have come true. Bit by bit, I have been learning how to do some things he had always done. By gradually giving myself time, by praying the /serenity Prayer over and over, I’ve become able to address one thing at a time. instead of worrying, I am learning to swallow my pride and ask for help. As I look back over these past months with their emptiness, worries, and sleeplessness, I am grateful to have rediscovered the wisdom of “let go and let God.”  In the end, time truly is a great healer.  God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Gratitude is everything.  Without gratitude life has little meaning.  Without gratitude we are less than we were created to be.  Gratitude allows us to see with new eyes, to hear with new ears, and to perceive with new understanding.  Gratitude is loving with abandon and joy.    Gratitude inspires us to stop and thank the people who make a difference in our lives.   Gratitude teaches us to walk as if we are kissing the earth.   Gratitude is what separates privilege from entitlement.   Gratitude is what inspires us to appreciate the little things which upon reflection become big things.  Gratitude is acknowledging what we already have as the foundation for abundant living.  Gratitude is the experience of living every moment in a spirit of humility and grace. Gratitude is what unlocks the fullness of life and turns what we already have into enough.  Gratitude is what rekindles hope when the lights go out of life.  Gratitude is the doorway to mindfulness. Gratitude is the pathway to wonder.  Gratitude is the impetus for generosity.  Gratitude is one of the simplest yet most powerful things we do as humans.   Gratitude is the work of loving the world.  Gratitude recognizes that we cannot achieve success without acknowledging the help of others. The more we practice gratitude the more we find for which to be grateful.  Gratitude acknowledges our deep connections with each other.  Gratitude allows us to experience wonder and joy even in times of struggle.  Gratitude is a profound act of worship.  Gratitude inspires happiness and a sense of well being.  Gratitude brings peace of mind.  Gratitude opens the doors to life’s serendipity.   Gratitude cannot be traveled to, purchased, traded, or consumed.  Gratitude is the experience of living in a spirit of love, grace, and happiness.  If the only prayer we ever say is “thank you,” that is more than enough.

I’ve been warned that anniversaries are difficult times following a loved one’s death., so I woke up promising myself that I will not feel sorry for myself today.  Instead I will celebrate this day in as many ways as I can by focusing on being grateful –  not just for what was, but for what is yet to come.  I began the day by stripping my bed.  One of life’s little pleasures of life, I find, is crisp clean sheets.  Following my morning coffee, I fed the birds, giving them a special treat.  Then I walked to a friend’s for a heartwarming visit and delightful conversation. Coming home, I was greeted by a neighbor’s three vibrant red crepe myrtles that were turning their smiling faces to the morning sun.  This is the day the Lord hath made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. Friends, I find, are like the quilts I make.  They come in different shapes, sizes, colors, and patterns bringing me warmth and comfort,  Friends are a vital support system that makes my life rich and full. My spouse would not want me to commemorate our anniversary by wallowing in sadness and self pity. It’s been said that guilt is the gift that keeps on giving, but I much prefer gratitude being the gift that keeps on giving.  I am all too aware that two voices continually vie for my attention.  I can choose to listen to the negative voice that attacks my body, leaving aching and depressed, or I can choose my grateful voice that fills me with hope, happiness, and strength.  Since his death, I am relearning daily that even in the midst of trouble, happy moments swim by me every day like shining fish waiting to be caught.  I am grateful that having practiced gratitude for years now,  gratitude has become a life giving habit. I will never stop missing this man who shared 63 years of my life, but even in death he is with me teaching me life enhancing life skills. This is the day the Lord hath made.  I will rejoice and be glad in it. It’s like Joni Eareckson Rada once wrote following her terrible accident.  “When you are experiencing the challenges of life, perspective is everything,”  Rereading her words I find myself remembering him sitting at the kitchen table observing, “Perception is reality.  It’s not what happens that makes or breaks us,” he’d say, “but the spin we bring to it.”  Consequently, on this is the day we had hoped to share with each other, I refuse to be sad because he died, but glad we had almost 63 rich and full years together. This is the day the Lord hath made.  I will rejoice and be glad in it.

 I think it was Charles Swindoll who said, “ Your success or failure in life will not be determined by the number of setbacks you encounter, but rather how you react to them.” The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.  We cannot change our past, we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way, we cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one thing we have, and that is our attitude….I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.  And so it is with you – we are in charge of our attitude.”    Wise words, words which bring us back to the Serenity Prayer’s “Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.”   Shortly after graduating from college, one of our church musicians had back surgery which left her permanently disabled and in constant pain.  Instead of becoming bitter, she focused on what she could still do…play the piano and wander the waysides taking amazing photographs of birds, wildlife, and fauna.  As a result she has brought incalculable pleasure to the rest of us by sharing her music and photos. This spring she had shoulder surgery.  Unfortunately, history seems to have repeated itself,  Once again, a nerve was damaged.  As a result, while her shoulder is pain free and very usable, she has little use of her right hand as she does not have enough strength in that hand to hold her camera or to play the piano. Once an accomplished pianist, she now struggles to stretch her fingers enough to reach, let alone press down, on the keys.  Has she given up?  No way.  While understandably disappointed, she is determined to do everything she can to regain use of that hand again.   By coaxing tiny increments of movement and strength back into that hand she was finally able to play “Over the Rainbow” for us this past Sunday.   The ultimate perfectionist who had refused to play or participate unless her performance was nearly perfect,  she played the entire piece using both hands.  Granted, it was anything but a polished performance. The tempo was too slow. There were stutters and stumbles and stops as she struggled to make her damaged hand obey her, but she refused to let the music to die.  When she was finished we gave her a tearful standing ovation! “ Your success or failure in life will not be determined by the number of setbacks you encounter, but rather how you react to them”  

Attitude, it’s been said, makes a big difference in life’s outcomes.   No matter how difficult or easy the situations and people with whom we are dealing, our attitude will be a determining factor in what happens and how we react.  One of my favorite Native American folk tales is the one in which a boy goes to his grandfather for advice.  His grandfather listens carefully, then responds,  “I won’t tell you what you should do as you need to figure that out for yourself, but I will make this observation.  No matter what you choose to do, it will be your attitude that will determine what happens: whether you remain angry and bitter, or whether you find something in what’s happened for which you can be grateful.  Most things in life are a bit like having two wolves fighting for your heart and mind.  One is filled with anger and hatred; the other is full of love, forgiveness, and acceptance.”  The boy thinks for several minutes, then asks, “But, grandfather, how can I know which wolf will win?”  To which his grandfather says quietly,  “It all depends on which wolf you decide to feed.” In the end, we become what we think, which wolf we choose to feed.  If we choose to think positive thoughts, we’ll get positive results.  If we think negative thoughts we will get negative results.  Even when life throws difficult challenges at us, when a loved one dies or we experience some disappointment or trauma, it will still be the attitude which we bring to the situation that determines the ultimate outcome.  It’s a hard truth, but a truth nevertheless; we reap what we sow.  We can’t harvest Golden ‘Delicious apples and sweet juicy peaches if we plant turnips or crabapples.  We inevitably reap the harvest of the thoughts we sow. 

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I grew up believing that I, as a good little Mennonite girl,  should always put others first.  My role in life, I believed,  was to be compliant and attentive to others, to adopt the servant role in all I do, and to always put others first, something which never came easy. Consequently, if I had a quarter for each time I was told as a kid to practice the golden rule, I’d be rich today.   Everything we do and say has consequences, and not always the intended ones,  There’s a lot of truth in that old cliche, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.”  The unintended consequence of having been taught to put others first was I came to believe that to do that I had to devalue myself and my needs.  Years ago one of my spiritual advisors gave me the assignment to buy myself some expensive underwear for no other reason than that of pampering myself.  I couldn’t do it then, and I can’t do it now.  Self care, I find, is a delicate dance between selfishness and self affirmation.  All too often I can’t tell the difference.   One of the first lessons I learned in my journey with the 12 steps was that I couldn’t respect others, their situations, feelings,  and needs until I valued my own. I may have started attending meetings because I wanted to fix the addicts in our family,  but the wonderful people in those rooms quickly dis-abused me of that fallacy.  Not having understood the wisdom underlying the golden rule, I had sought to meet my needs by living vicariously through my children and husband,  manipulating and controlling them and situations in the hopes of changing them, not myself…which never really worked.  It was only after giving myself permission to be happy and to work on my own issues, even when the world seems to be falling apart around me, that I became more accepting and supportive of others.  It is only as I can forgive myself for my failures and selfishness that I can forgive others for theirs.  It is only by accepting myself, warts and all, that I have stopped expecting others to be more together than I am.  It is only as I value myself, that I can value others and not be disappointed when they make mistakes.   It is only as I can put myself into another’s shoes that I can be generous and giving. The challenge inherent in The Golden Rule and the Great Commandment –”Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” and “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, and soul, and your neighbor as yourself “– is recognizing I can’t really love and accept others until can I love and accept myself.  It’s when I start devaluing and doubting myself that my old fears of not measuring up, of not being good enough, raise their ugly heads.  Consequently, I often find myself praying, “Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on us all…but especially those I find it hardest to accept.”

When I first broke into the U.S. government consulting business, in 1981, I worked briefly on the continuity of government (COG) program. In particular, I worked on the part of it that was concerned with maintaining the presidential line of succession. I was impressed with the number of statements I signed promising not to breathe a word of what I worked on, but I don’t think it’s a damaging national security disclosure to point out that the government spends a lot of time – and money – worrying about the security of the line of succession. At the height of the cold war, even a threat to the person who stood 12th in the line of succession, was a matter of significant national security concern. A Soviet “decapitation strike” – or any other event – that took out significant portions of the line of succession – especially those near the top – was considered a national security threat nearly equivalent to a massive Soviet land attack in Germany or an attack that threatened our nuclear retaliation force. A lot of words to make the point: the line of succession is a serious matter. Yet, on January 6, 2021, the country’s commander in chief, who swore an oath to protect the country against “all enemies, foreign and domestic,” abetted a mob that intended to decapitate the top three people in the current line of succession (vice president Pence, speaker Pelosi, President pro tem Grassley) and the same three positions in the upcoming administration (vice president-elect Harris, speaker Pelosi, and President pro tem in waiting Leahy). All five were in the Capitol that day and all five were in danger. In our history, there has only been one decapitation plot as dangerous as January 6: the Good Friday 1865 plot which killed president Lincoln, severely wounded Secretary of State Seward, and failed to attack the third target, vice president Andrew Johnson. The traitor who led that attack was the subject of a nationwide manhunt and was found and executed within two weeks. Donald Trump, the traitor who posed the gravest national security threat to this country since the Cold War hasn’t been clapped in irons nor lost the support of his base. We’ve had all manner of presidents, some good, some bad, most pretty mediocre. But among the first 44 presidents, we never had one who wasn’t at least a loyal patriotic American who wanted the best for the country. Even James Buchanan, arguably the worst of the first 44, tried hard. He often caved to the southern states but that was because he was trying to hold the Union together. Even Richard Nixon, the biggest threat to the Constitution among the first 44, never made war against the United States. With the events of January 6, Trump left the peer group of James Buchanan, Warren G. Harding, and George W. Bush and has joined the company of such as Guy Fawkes, Caligula, and John Wilkes Booth.

The question, “what is my purpose?” has been rattling around in my head since my spouse  died.  This morning, while walking several buckets of weeds and table scraps to my neighbors compost pile, an idea popped into my mind.  “What if my purpose in life is simply to do no harm?  What if it is as simple as that?” Do no harm.   It’s brutally hot today.  It’s not even 10 AM and the temps have climbed into the high 80’s. I’ve been resisting turning on our air conditioning, but I finally relented the other evening when it was just too hot to go to sleep.  After some thought I set the thermostat at 75, low enough to reduce the humidity but high enough to conserve some electricity.   At first glance do no harm seems simple enough but what does that really mean?  What can I do to make a difference in our complicated interconnected world?  Almost immediately Micah’s words come to mind, “do justice, love mercy, walk humbly.”   As with everything, the devil is in the details. Do no harm. All politics, it’s been said, are local.  There is no one solution to complicated issues such as climate change, political hypocrisy, interracial conflicts, financial inequities, etc. because, in the end, everything gets reduced to our individual choices and actions.  What we do makes a difference, even when our actions appear to have no more effect than the flutter of a butterfly’s wing.  Even so, it’s the compilation of our everyday choices that is creating the crisis facing our planet.  It’s our unwillingness to take small actions that leads to life threatening results.  It’s our response to difficulties that either heals or wounds. Do no harm.  What can I possibly do that can possibly make a difference?  Yet, even as I ask that question I know the answer.  All God asks is for me to do my part to the best of my ability.  Doing no  harm is a little like practicing gratitude.  The more I focus on being grateful for what I already have, the less I need to make myself comfortable, grateful,  and content.  The more I seek to do no harm in the ways I live out each day, the more aware I’m becoming of any impact my actions may have on others and the environment.   Just raising the question is helping me recognize ways I can do my bit.  I can use less electricity by doing my laundry or running the dishwasher in the evenings after peak hours.  I can set the thermostat higher in summer and lower in winter, recognizing that my body will adapt in time to less comfortable temperatures.  I can save my dish washing water to water my plants and keep buckets in the shower to collect some of the runoff water to flush the toilet.  I can walk.  I can make lists and plan ahead rather than making impulsive trips in my car.  I can recycle, reuse things instead of buying new, even do without when possible.  I can take reusable bags when shopping, even take my own containers to restaurants when I eat out as I know I won’t be able to eat everything on my plate.  I can compost table scraps or feed some of the scraps to the birds.  Do no harm.  I can smile and say hello to both friends and neighbors.  I can refrain from gossiping.   I can say “thank you” to store clerks and others helping me.  I can be a good neighbor.  I can welcome newcomers to our neighborhood.  I can pick up roadside trash and be careful not to litter.  I can shop at thrift stores instead of buying everything new.  I can share what I have rather than holding back “just in case.”  I can lovingly tend my flower beds so my neighbors can also enjoy their beauty   Do no harm.  The more I embrace the idea that my purpose in life is to do no harm the greater the possibilities become.  In fact, the more I think about this, the more I realize doing no harm actually simplifies life and makes decision making easier, for nothing I’ve listed  is difficult.   In fact,  when I consider the men and women whom we remember as having had a positive impact on our world, those like Jesus, Abraham Linchiln, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King, Gandhi…it quickly becomes obvious everything they said and did was designed to do no harm.  

It’s been three months since he died and my friends and family are starting to worry about me.  Shouldn’t I be snapping out of this malaise? Why my lack of interest in things I had formerly cared about? In the past, I’ve been able to talk myself out of self pity and resentment when things veered off course, but this grief thing  is proving a greater challenge.  Having over thirty plus years in the 12 step program (Al-Anon, Families Anonymous, and CoDa) has taught me that I am responsible for my own well being. I can’t expect others to make me happy. Happiness is the way I choose to respond to the world around me. Happiness is choosing to focus on self improvement. Happiness is being grateful. If I want people to give me the space to think, pray, ponder, and explore, then I must do the same for them. Holding grudges, hanging on to grief, resentment, mistrust, suspicion, fear does not free me or make me feel any better. Life is a crapshoot, and the sooner I accept that, the better off I am. One thing is clear,  grieving or not, the world looks different when I am intentionally grateful, take time to appreciate the beauty and potential that is all around me, spend time outdoors with Mother Nature, and am kind and respectful to myself and others.   I have been drifting since he died,  waiting for something to fill the empty space he left..  Passivity has been easy.  Assuming responsibility for my own well being and peace of mind is a greater challenge. as I’m having to learn how to live in a world that does not revolve around him and his care.  I went to bed last night convinced I am ready to pick up the reins of my life.  This morning I am less sure. Yet given this is the first day of the rest of my life,  my only real option is to start over with Step One: Admit I am powerless over his death and that by allowing myself to stay in this in-between space I am making my life unmanageable. It’s time to start peeling back the layers of my emotional onion, exposing my broken parts to the light, giving myself permission to heal.    There is magic in the steps, just as there is magic in heartfelt prayer, a magic that emerges as we give God permission to work in our lives. Even as I write, I can feel important questions pushing their way to the surface. Is my feeling lethargic and unfocused a way of keeping him close, making his death the single most important thing in my life?  Am I afraid of losing him if I allow myself to be active and functional again? How do I pick up the broken pieces of my life and move into God’s open future? How do I live for both of us now? O God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change such as his death, the courage to change the things I can, such as my responses to his death, and the wisdom to know the difference.  Help me live one day at a time, enjoy one moment at a time, accept hardship as the pathway to peace. It always comes down to that, doesn’t it, God, accepting hardship as the pathway to peace?  Bright morning sunshine invites me outside as I sit here in my blogging chair talking to You, You who are greater than anything I can know or comprehend. Dare I really trust that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will? Dare I truly trust that I can be reasonably happy in the time I have left? Dare I say “thank you” in advance?  Thank you for once again filling me with joie de vivre, even if I can’t feel it right now?

If I hear one more person call for more thoughts and prayers in response to gun violence, I think I’ll scream. Thoughts and prayers are worse than meaningless, especially when they are intended to substitute for corrective action.   Nor is God going to step in and save us from ourselves.  God, you see,  has this bad habit of practicing tough love and actually has the audacity to allow us to suffer the consequences of our choices and actions instead of jumping in and protecting us from ourselves. To paraphrase the little Book of James, tucked into the back of the New Testament,  “My brothers and sisters, what good is it for someone to say that he has faith when his actions do not prove it?  Can that faith save him?  Suppose there are brothers and sisters who need clothing and don’t have enough to eat.  What good is there in your saying to them, ‘God bless you!  Keep warm and fed.”  if you don’t give them the necessities of life?  Suppose there are grocery shoppers or children attending school when an active shooter enters and kills 19 or 20 of them at a time.  What good is there in saying to their families and communities, ‘God bless you.  We share your grief.  Stay safe and secure.’ if you do nothing to control the proliferation of guns and military style weapons?  Can faith correct the situation?  Bring back the dead?  “But someone will say, “one person has actions, another has faith.”  My answer is, “Show me how you can have faith without actions and I will show you my faith by my actions.”   Idol worship, my friends, is alive and well. It wasn’t just ancient people who bowed down before man made idols. It wasn’t just ancient people who sacrificed their first born to appease the insatiable gods of violence.  We worship the 2nd Amendment.  We have made an idol out of our guns.  We have sold our souls to the great God AK-47.  Jesus,  as the prince of peace, is as unwelcome today as on the day he was sacrificed to momentarily appease the gods of greed and power.   When I reflect on all the calls for thoughts and prayers in the wake of these latest shootings, I am reminded of one of my childhood elders who would tell me, “Be careful what you pray for.  You may just get it and it won’t be what you wanted after all.” Each of us would do well to discern what gods we truly worship.  As the 11th step tells us, Sought to improve our conscious contact with the God of our understanding  through prayer and meditation, asking only for God’s will for our lives and the courage to carry that out. In the long run, the truth will out. The gods we worship will be revealed.  We can have all the prayer vigils we want, but until we are willing to place our trust in the God of love rather than the gods of guns, greed, and violence, nothing will change. We can be as pious as a saint, but piety is no substitute for humbly asking God to remove all our character defects.   As the writer of Matthew said so succinctly, “No one can be a slave to two masters; he will hate the one and love the other; he will be loyal to one and despise the others. You cannot serve God and money.”  And right now it is all too clear which gods we truly serve.

Step Five is the step where  you share your story with someone you trust.   In many ways Step Five is the freedom step.  This is “swallow your pride and walk into the light of truth and honesty step.” It’s human nature to try to hide things about ourselves. We’ve all done things for which we’re ashamed.   Consequently, filled with self judgment, guilt, and shame, it can seem easier to pretend nothing happened or to try to hide, reframe, or disguise the situation.  Out of sight, out of mind, so we believe.  Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way.  Truth will out, as there are precious few real secrets.  Generally the only person we  fool when we pretend this or that did or didn’t happen, is ourselves. Case in point. A parishioner went to great lengths to hide his homosexuality,  only to learn we had always known and loved him just as he was.  For years he’d made himself miserable pretending to be someone he wasn’t our of fear of rejection and discrimination.   When we hide  our secrets, fears, failures, and anxieties they don’t disappear; they  go underground where they  poison us with injections of shame, blame, and self hatred.  Unlike the oyster who is able to create pearls from the irritants entering its shell, our denial mechanisms turn us into angry, judgmental, bitter, and dishonest individuals. One 12 step worksheet says of Step Five, ”it was with step five that we were offered the chance to have shame and guilt transformed into humility “   That’s a powerful promise!  Step Five can transform our shame and guilt into humility?  Who wouldn’t want that?   Humility, you see, a gift of the Spirit.  It is that which brings us peace of mind and empowers us to accept ourselves just as we are.  Humility is what happens in and to us when we trade our shame and guilt for the truth.  Humility emerges as we acknowledge our brokenness, accepting what was and is, not as something for which to be ashamed, but as an opportunity to move forward.  Humility is the quiet self acceptance that comes when we let go of our denial and false pride and step into God’s open future.

Blogging eluded me yesterday.   I simply didn’t have the energy or will power to develop a coherent theme.  At this stage of life, blogging has become an important way of helping me reinforce the tools I need to get through my days.  It also makes a good vehicle with which to share my 12 step wisdom, strength, and hope.  Perhaps the insight I most need to hear today is this:  Instead of fighting off my negative feelings and being disappointed with myself, I am being called to give myself the time and space I need to feel and process the things I need to feel and process.  Time and again the program has reassured me that  it’s safe to feel my feelings, welcome my exhaustion, and recognize recovery doesn’t occur in a straight line.   I/you/we can’t heal if we keep running from our painful traumas and dysfunctions.  Instead we can choose to stare them in the  face and learn the lessons they seek to teach us.    Healing from our family addictions necessitated accepting many things that seemed unacceptable at the time.  We had to let go of responses that no longer served us well, like blaming and shaming each  other and instead learn how to give compliments and say “I love you.”  I’m not sure why it is easier to focus on the negative than it is the positive, but it is, even when we are bombarded by kindness, possibilities, opportunities, and caring.  An essential tool in my 12 step tool kit has been looking for the positives and possibilities that are always waiting to be discovered and acknowledged.  As I slowly emerge from my blanket of grief, I find life’s shoulds once again making themselves known.  I should have more energy.  I should be more motivated.  I should find it easier to write, blog, and edit my old materials.  I should be accustomed to my husband’s death by now.  I should be eating better.  I should get more sleep.  I should clean my house. I should be walking more.  I should, I should, I should…  Instead I can choose to stop should-ing on myself and start giving myself credit for each day’s small victories.  I can choose to get out my gratitude journal and add to my list of gratitudes.  I can choose to give myself time to feel and heal.  After all, the more I resist, the longer it will take to find my way.  Starting right now I choose to stop expecting myself to be someplace I am not.  I can accept this present moment and these feelings for what they are,  neither interpreting them as good nor bad.   After all, I know in my gut that I will heal and that it is safe to trust the process and give myself as much time as I may need.   

I’ve been experiencing blogger’s block.  For the past few days each time I sit down to write, pray, or meditate all I experience is emptiness, an emotional and spiritual void. So I fiddle with this and mess with that, hoping something will emerge from waiting.  It’s not that I’m unhappy.  In fact, the days are flowing fairly smoothly and I am finding things to do.  In fact, I helped with a wedding this weekend and went to an amazing concert, spent time with friends and family.  It’s just that there’s a big black hole in the middle of everything.  My head must force myself to  go through it.  That doesn’t keep me from wishing I could avoid getting buried in all that pain, mud, and darkness, however. I’m tired of hearing others share stories of seeing him, of sensing his presence,  A cousin reported seeing him in her dreams; tall, healthy, no sign of any crippling or disfigurement.  He smiled at her and then turned and walked away.  Another person reported having him tell her he’s happy, doing well.  I don’t want to be ungrateful, but  why can’t he come to me?   Assure me?  Hearing from others is about as satisfying as ripping apart the stole I had almost finished last evening because I made a serious mistake and then made it worse by trying to fix it.  Finally I just started ripping it apart!.  My life is coming apart like that stole.  The yarn is still beautiful and the portion that remains reveals a lovely pattern, but the rest is a mess.  My only real option is to start over by using that same yarn. I can step back and look at parts of my past life, parts that came apart, parts where I begged God to take the hurt away.  Today I can see those same experiences through the vista of time,  and the gift that was always hidden in them, the opportunities that opened up, the rough edges that got chiseled away.  Now I can see the necessity of going through the pain rather than trying to avoid it because they enable me to see the flawed beauty in myself and others.   But then, is there really any other way to approach that greatest of mysteries, God working in and through us? This morning,  a friend suggested I repeat my first step.  I know my grief will not heal without my taking that first step again, but I have this tendency to approach the steps like kites.  I release them one by one into the air –  watch them fly away, all the while knowing I am still hanging on to their strings.  Yes, I gave him permission to fly away because that was the only kind and loving thing to do, but I haven’t really let him go.  I waiting for some sign that its is OK to let go.  I want to glance out the window and see him wave to me.  I want to come around the corner and get a glimpse of him watching the birds.  I want him back.      Just as I begin to write out my Step One: admitted I am powerless over my grief and longing, Step Two pops into mind.  It’s going to take a greater power than me, myself, and I to regain my stability and sanity.  In the meantime, what am I supposed to do with this big hole in the center of my life?  As I sit and wait, praying without consciously praying, I cling to some of those wonderful snippets of 12 step wisdom. Just do the next thing.  Live one minute, one hour, one day at a time.  Practice an attitude of gratitude.   

A new concern emerges now that I am alone…I could easily become absorbed in me.  My grief. My sadness. My concerns.   My feelings.  As each day passes I’m becoming more aware of how easily I could slip into self pity.  I started attending 12 step meetings many years ago because our teens had gotten caught up in the drug culture,  I’ve continued attending, even though they have been sober and productive for years.  Early on, I realized this program was not about changing them, but changing me. Their drug use was not my problem to fix.  Me and my responses were.  I was the only one I could fix or change.  I was the one who needed to learn how to know, love, accept, and reinvent myself.  Not them. What I could do for them was model how not to be defeated by life, how our personal growth, self acceptance, and courage happens by working the program.  In those amazing rooms,  I discovered that by taking the focus off of them and putting it on myself, I could give them the space they needed to assume responsibility for themselves and their choices.  Over the years,  I’ve gratefully drawn on 12 step experience, wisdom, and hope in facing my life challenges. What many fail to realize is that the steps relate to everything in life.  The 12 steps saved my sanity in the 80’s when I faced criticism, personal attacks, focused anger and rejection from many church leaders because I, as a woman,  dared respond to God’s call to Christian ministry.  When I experienced verbal and spiritual abuse, when other pastors shamed and blamed me, I’d remind myself of a basic 12 principle.  Whatever the another’s actions, beliefs, or feelings, they were not about me.  Yet, no matter how hurtful, I still needed to pay attention to what they were saying and doing because what they said or did provided me with important information about who they were, what they believed, and what they feared.  By learning to separate myself from their criticism and values, I became able to listen and see the person behind the vitriol without judging them or myself.  In fact, by developing the ability to not take their criticism personally, I was able to glean important information that allowed me to either work with them or remove myself from hurtful situations.  Besides, there were many times their attacks contained more than a kernel of truth that I needed to hear. We focus a great deal on self care in our Co-Dependents Anonymous meetings.  One of the chief symptoms of codependency is trying to live vicariously through our children, spouse, lover, best friend, job, etc.  As a codependent, what we want or need becomes less important to us than what others want or need.  As codependents we happily take responsibility for everyone else’s choices, feelings, and  actions.  Why?  Because that makes us feel needed and important.   For years I blamed myself for our teens addictions.   I believed  I was a bad mother,  that I’d  failed.  And, to be honest, I did many things that contributed to their addictions, especially enabling and excusing their behaviors.  Fortunately,  I eventually came to understand that since I didn’t cause their addiction, I couldn’t control or cure it.  My role as a caring parent,  was and continues to be  to love and accept them for who they are without demanding they change to suit me.   If any changing needs doing, I am the one to change and adjust. Self care is all about learning how to set healthy boundaries and assuming responsibility for the  part we play in any situation but then letting the rest go.  Self care demands we stop taking every little remark or inference personally, be that negative or positive.  In the end,  it is just as selfish to blame ourselves for every bad thing that happens as it is to take the credit for others small victories and successes. So, here I am on this sunny but chilly spring day, looking toward the rest of my life as a widow.  Am I going to feel sorry for myself or will I accept his death as the painful loss it is, yet determined to grieve his loss as courageously and triumphantly as I can by believing it is a greater tribute to him and who he was to live as dynamically and fully as I possibly can in the days I have left.

Since he died, I find myself asking the same question each morning when I awake. “What’s the point of getting up?  Where do I now find my meaning and purpose in life?”  Up until now I was the wind beneath his wings as he was mine.  Now that he is gone, I am faced with finding a new center, a new reason for living.  Just as nothing comes without important lessons and insights, his death is helping me understand why people who have no meaning or purpose in life fill their hours with meaningless activity, partying, gambling, and drinking ones’ self silly.   Maslow suggested there are five levels of  human need and development.  Starting with the most basic and moving upwards these needs are: food, clothing, shelter, safety  and job security needs, love and belonging needs, esteem and respect needs, and self-actualization needs.  For most of history,  people, by necessity, focused on the first two levels: food, clothing, shelter and safety.  As much as we consider love and belonging as essential, even those take the back seat when one is homeless, hungry, and unsafe.   For most of human history,  mankind has been focused on the first two or three stages.  The question of an ultimate meaning and purpose in life beyond survival was not even considered.  While love and belonging seem pretty basic to most of us, it is our human drive to arrange ourselves in safe tribal or family groupings that open the way for experiencing love and friendship.    After all, it is only within cohesive cooperative groupings that our physical,  safety, and belonging needs can truly be met.  However, by its very nature, the cohesion required to have tribal and extended family groupings provide for and protect individual needs,  the welfare of the group must take precedent over the individual.  Consequently, almost all religious teaching focuses on care of the other and the “beloved community” to use Martin Luther King’s phrase.   Our legal, moral, and familial codes all reflect on that which is best for the larger group. Think The Ten Commandments, the Great Commandment, The Golden Rule, for instance.  In the past two hundred or so years humanity has moved from communal agrarian societies to industrialized societies that stress individual achievement and freedom.  This is both good news and bad. The good news is that our individualism allows for individual differentiation;  women’s rights, gay rights, trans rights, racial rights, artistic expression, etc.  The bad news is our focus on individual freedom makes us less concerned about the needs of  others.  Individualism leads to materialism, greed,  and selfishness, disregard for the rights and needs of others, ignoring the ways our individual choices impact others.  If you doubt this just think pandemic and our conflicts over social distancing, vaccines, and wearing masks.  Add to that our racial  conflicts and the abuses of power.  Our individualism also makes us less concerned about broader issues that affect the whole of society such as climate change, voting rights, racism, extreme financial inequity, etc. Just as the substance abuser or other addictions cannot move toward recovery until he/she recognizes that their choices are having a negative impact on themselves and others, so I am beginning to recognize that my waking to an empty house is forcing me to evaluate my hierarchy of needs.  Being among the world’s fortunate,  the first three levels of need are being more than adequately met.  My challenge,  however,  relates to self- actualization…finding finding my new place in the world as I shift focus.  What is my unique place in the world now?  What do I still have to contribute to the welfare of others?  What will enrich my last years as well as those around me?  How do I identify my end of life passions?  What role will faith play in bringing me a new sense of meaning and purpose?

Well, this is it. My new life. Over the weekend we buried his ashes in a puddle of watery mud and had his memorial service. Family and friends who came for his service have returned to their everyday lives. Everywhere I look I see reminders that reduce me to a tearful ball of gratitude. I had dreaded this weekend, but it was everything I could have hoped for and more. Exhausting. Overwhelming. Affirming. Tearful. Happy.  Surrounded by extended family and friends, we gave him a truly loving send-off. I have always found memorial services fascinating. As different people share their stories and memories, we learn things about our loved ones we never knew or appreciated. As Paul observed of Jesus, “if we once judged him by human standards, we no longer do so.” My husband’s passing allows me to look beyond his all too human frailties to the many ways he positively impacted our lives, leaving me wondering why I was so impatient and critical at times; why it was easier to focus on his failings than his successes.   One thing is clear as I step into my new life of widowhood. Life will be what I make it. He showed us that what truly matters is the way we choose to respond to the the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, not whether we experience them. One of the consistent themes that kept weaving its way through the stories and observations folks made was his quiet acceptance and courage in face of a chronic, debilitating, and painful disease. He rarely complained, but faced life with quiet courage, doing what he could with what he had. As he grew older and weaker, he was forced to accept more and more help, but he did it with humor and grace.  Perhaps, in retrospect, his greatest gift was showing us how to gratefully receive help and give up control. In a world where we perceive power and influence as the ability to be self sufficient and to dominate and control others, he demonstrated a difference kind of power; the power of being true to himself. The power of living with, not against. The power of accepting limitations as the stuff of life. Of all his gifts, and he left us with many, he showed us  how to live the good life. The good life, he demonstrated, is being like a stream,  that when encountering barriers in its journey toward the sea,  finds new channels and pathways to achieve its goal. Or as the refrain to the hymn “On Eagle’s Wings” puts it:  And He will raise you up on eagle’s wings/ Bear you on the breath of dawn/Make you to shine like the sun/And hold you on the palm of His hand.”

The focus statement in Sunday’s bulletin read: “As we seek God’s way, we move from an understanding of power that grasps for control over others to an understanding that power comes from working with and for others.”   That idea was further developed in the Call to Worship.  “Together we seek the way of God, a way so different from the ways of the world.  We remind ourselves to loosen our grasp, to trust instead of control.  We Praise a God we cannot see and celebrate a salvation we do not understand.” “To trust instead of control and celebrate a salvation we do not understand.”  There is something in me that wants to define how those words are understood, but trust requires my allowing them speak for themselves.  We humans have this compulsion to tie down loose ends, plan to the nth degree, try to control outcomes.  But we can’t.  If the pandemic and my husband’s death have taught me anything, it has been I am not in control.  I don’t get to decide, shape, and determine what happens.  Left in the wake of his leaving, I have few options but to work with and for others, to trust an unknown future,  to love and let be.  My aging brings an increasing dependence on others, reminding me to loosen my grasp on the who, what, when, where and whys of life and to be content to praise a God I cannot see and celebrate a salvation I do not understand. Several men were here servicing our heating/cooling system this morning. They taught me how to program and reset the thermostat – just another reminder of how completely our lives are intertwined with both the known and unknown.  There is nothing I can do that is not dependent on someone else in some way.  I am reminded of a TED talk in which a woman traced all of the steps and people required to pour her morning coffee.  Her quest led her to many different countries and hundreds, perhaps thousands of people who played a part in bringing her her morning coffee.  Multiply that one cup of coffee by every item we touch or use; the car one drives, the clothing one wears, the food one eats, the electricity one uses – the list goes on and on – and the need to trust and appreciate rather than to control and dominate becomes very apparent.  There is no such things as a self made man; we are inextricably tied together for good or ill.  In a very real way, I suspect, that reality also applies to the God we cannot see and the salvation we do not understand.

By Sue Cipperly, Gettysburg The Waste Management contract for Gettysburg begins today, April 1.  WM trucks are out delivering trash receptacles to those who have had them, or requested them, based on records provided by the borough.  If folks don’t get a bin, they can follow the instructions on the borough website – www.gettysburgpa.gov — to pick one up locally or get one delivered.   People can use their own bins, or contract with Waste Management for one. In the Gettysburg Times on Wednesday, March 30,  borough manager Charles Gable was quoted as saying: “We are beyond frustrated and exceptionally displeased with this transition, I think an apology letter to every single customer of WM is in order,” Waste Management sent out a flyer over two weeks ago, detailing their services – maybe some people threw theirs away.  It said their services begin April 1.  It provided contact info.  Why would they be responsible for providing trash bins before their contract begins?  The first pickup is April 4.  Should the previous contractor have notified customers that their bins would be retrieved once their contract ended? Maybe the borough could have let people know the bins would be picked up, and new ones supplied. There will doubtless be some glitches during the transition to a new company, as there were last time things changed.  The finger-pointing at the new company is counter-productive, and set a tone toward Waste Management before their contract even started.  Ire at two to three days without a trash bin could have been avoided with better communication from our local government.  Please have a little patience with the transition.  Life will go on.

An oft repeated 12 step saying is “Fake it till you make it.” I find that excellent advice as I set about creating my new life as a widow. No matter what challenge faces any of us – death, addiction, recovery, losing a job, divorce, business failure, debt, an empty nest, starting a business, getting married, having a child – there will be times of when it is tempting to just go to bed and never get up. That’s when it is important to just fake it till you make it. Go through the motions. Do what needs doing. Smile. Take one day at a time and if that seems impossible, one minute, one hour at a time. Being alone is a new experience for me, but instead of dwelling on how empty the house feels, I am trying to force myself to focus on what needs doing today, finding things to keep me busy. I am determined to fake it until the world rights itself and I learn how to make this new reality rich and rewarding, thanks to everything he did to prepare me for this time. Getting up to an empty house is difficult, but fortunately I only have to do that one morning at a time. I only have to eat alone one meal at a time. I only have to stay in the moment, one moment at a time. Find things to keep me busy, revel in good memories, listen to music, lose myself in making quilts for those who are suffering even greater losses than I — one moment, one hour, one day at a time. Feeling lost and lonely, I took my coffee upstairs and stitched together a baby quilt and asked God to give me my marching orders for the day, words for this blog. As I stitched and waited, the words to Charlie Chaplin’s song “Smile” came to mind. As I silently sang to myself I thanked my Higher Power for answering my prayer. “Smile though your heart is achingSmile even though it’s breakingWhen there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get byIf you smile through your fear and sorrowSmile and maybe tomorrowYou’ll see the sun come shining through for youLight up your face with gladnessHide every trace of sadnessAlthough a tear may be ever so nearThat’s the time you must keep on tryingSmile, what’s the use of crying?You’ll find that life is still worthwhileIf you just smile.”

It’s been a week. A long short forever week since he died. To paraphrase Edna St Vincent Milay, “Life goes on though good men die. Life goes on. It’s time to discover why.” My aching body and broken heart isn’t ready to move on, but remembering his courage in face of his disabilities and illnesses, it is time for me to step up to this new challenge as he demonstrated over and over that one keeps going one step at a time. I intend to make him proud of me. I draw on my ever helpful 12 steps. Today I am taking the first step by admitting I am powerless to change what has happened. We both grew old, but hIs body wore out before mine. He died and now I am alone. Yet I know dwelling in grief will be unhelpful. It will make life difficult and even unmanageable. So, I’m reaching out to my Higher Power to help ease me into this new life that lies ahead (step 2). Turning my life and my will over o the loving care of the God of my understanding.(step 3) will help me let go of my pain and trust in what is to come even as I recognize that waves of grief will wash over me for days and weeks to come. Louise Armstrong sings “What a wonderful world” in the background and I know myself as incredibly blessed. I give myself permission to live for the both of us now. Yesterday my daughter and I went birthday shopping, then to our financial advisor and to a friend’s for some nurturing and food. Today another friend and I took a load of things to our churches’ material aid center. When we passed a nursery bright with spring pansies, we stopped and bought plants, not just pansies that always make me smile, but several other colorful plants to brighten the future. Then we went out to eat and had ice cream. He loved ice cream. Long ago I learned that “I can’t” is simply an excuse for “I don’t want to.” I will need to be discerning about what I start doing. There will be many times when I will choose to say “I’m not ready yet” but there will be other times when I will need to force myself to pick up the pieces and move on. I will always miss him, but I will always carry him with me because I refuse to be someone who chooses to dwell on what was. Instead I am choosing to pull up my big girl pants and focus on what is yet to be. After all, I already know that the gift of memory will allow me to take him with me into God’s open future. Gratitude, I know deep in my heart is the gift that keeps on giving.

Attorney Kristin Rice spoke about racism in the legal system at an online “Mission Moment” meeting last week. The presentation was sponsored by the YWCA of Gettysburg and Adams County. Rice said she spoke not in her official capacity, but rather as a “student of criminal justice and race.” Rice has been working in the Adams County Office of the Public Defender since 2003 and has been its Chief Public Defender for the past 11 years. Rice said she was appointed by the county commissioners, making her independent from the court. Rice and her three assistant attorneys handle about 1,000 new cases every year. The Adams County public defenders represent people with annual income at only 150 percent of the federal poverty level or less and who are facing potential jail time as well as all people who are incarcerated, regardless of their financial resources.  The public defenders also represent all juveniles who are charged with criminal offenses and adults being involuntary committed due to mental health issues. The authority for the Public Defender position comes from the PA Public Defender Act as well as the 1963 U.S. Supreme Court case of Gideon v. Wainwright which ruled the Sixth and Fourteenth Amendments to the U.S Constitution guarantee a right of legal counsel to anyone charged with an offense that could result in incarceration, generally misdemeanors and felonies. The Public Defender Act is found at 16 P.S. Sec. 9960.3 et seq. Rice said Pennsylvania is the only state that relies entirely on county funding for its public defenders, and that each county is responsible for having its own public defender, although two counties may share one. Rice said her opinions were based on her own experiences but also influenced by “Just Mercy,” a book by Bryan Stevenson as well as “A Descending Spiral” by Mark Bookman and “The New Jim Crow” by Michelle Alexander. Rice noted the profound disparity on a state and national level in how people are treated in the criminal justice system based on the color of their skin. Rice said that according to the U.S. Census Bureau, twelve per cent percent of Pennsylvanians are Black but forty-five percent of state prison inmates are Black. Forty-two per cent of people on parole in Pennsylvania are Black. She said Blacks are also more likely than white people to be revoked from parole. “Pennsylvania is notorious for having a very high revocation rate of parole and probation.  And if you’re Black you’re more likely to be revoked from parole, for both technical violations and because of new charges,” she said. Racial profiling Rice talked about racial profiling – when race is used by law enforcement as a reason for criminal suspicion.  “There’s a lot of data on profiling,” she said. “Black drivers are more likely to be pulled over and cited, whereas Whites are more likely to be given warnings, according to Bureau of Justice statistics. Additionally, Black drivers are twice as likely to be arrested during a traffic stop.” “I have been asked whether racial profiling occurs in Gettysburg.  I’m quite sure it does. And I’m quite sure it happens in Upper Adams with our Mexican farmworkers. I know that it happens but it’s very, very difficult to prove,” she said. “Once a police officer spots a violation of the Motor Vehicle Code, he or she can pull the vehicle over, even if the violation is very minor. But no police officer will testify during a suppression hearing that skin color played a role in the stop. The police officer may not even be consciously aware of his or her bias regarding skin color and criminality.” “On an individual basis it’s very difficult to fight racial profiling cases. I really think the only way we can do it is with data and statistics,” she said Arraignment Rice said decisions made during preliminary arraignment, usually by magistrate judges, were also likely to be biased based on race. She said people who are arrested are usually given a preliminary arraignment by video and then either released on their own recognizance (ROR) or required to post bail. Rice said that in Pennsylvania, 55 percent of Blacks but only 38 percent of Whites are required to post cash bail. “Most of us here today can come up with some cash for bail.  People of means can generally get out of prison pending their trial or guilty plea. But most defendants who are represented by Public Defender offices have no ability to post cash for bail.” Rice said cash bail keeps poor people incarcerated and perpetuates systemic racism.  “When people have to sit in jail they may lose their jobs, their housing, their family.  It can absolutely have devastating consequences. People may plead guilty even if they are innocent in order to be released for time served or to get to work release, which requires that a defendant be sentenced.” The American Civil Liberties Union of Pennsylvania has made several suggestions for bail reform, including supervision and auditing of the bail set by Magisterial district judges and requiring district judges to use the least restrictive means necessary to guarantee the defendant’s future appearance in court. Juries  Rice said the jury system also is biased against Black defendants. “Although Americans are supposed to be afforded presumption of innocence, Blacks instead have presumption of guilt and dangerousness due in part to strong unconscious associations between blackness and criminality’, according to Bryan Stephenson’s Equal Justice Initiative.” https://eji.org Rice said juries are selected in Adams County from the list of residents who have paid the per capita tax, which is race-neutral.  Using voter registration lists, property taxes and drivers’ licenses, as some jurisdictions do, tends to disproportionately exclude people of color. However, jury selection can have an insidious racist determinant in the use of “peremptory strikes” which allow the attorneys selecting jurors to strike a limited number of potential jurors for no given reason. The 1986 U.S. Supreme Court case Batson v. Kentucky prohibits a strike of a juror based on racial discrimination. However, it is not difficult to come up with a neutral reason to strike a juror, if presented with a Batson challenge, such as  unpaid traffic tickets, as a pretext for racial discrimination, she said. Capital Punishment Rice said that at the end of 2020, 65 percent of the 120 prisoners on death row in Pennsylvania were Black. Rice said race is an issue that continues to be at the forefront of America’s capital punishment debate. According to the U.S. General Accounting Office, in 82 percent of the states reviewed, the race of the victim was found to influence the likelihood of being charged with capital murder or receiving the death penalty, i.e. those who murdered Whites were more likely to be sentenced to death than those who murdered Blacks. Rice said many people are under the mistaken assumption that the death penalty is less expensive than housing a prisoner for life. “That is so far from the truth,” said Rice. “Since 1976 when the death penalty was resurrected, Pennsylvania has spent $1 billion on securing death penalty convictions. Legal costs in death penalty cases exceed regular murder cases by $353,000. That’s taxpayer money.”

Last evening my companion and lover embarked on life’s greatest adventure …exploring the afterlife. I’m feeling; well I’m not sure what I am feeling. Numb. Abandoned. Relieved. Anxious. Angry. Exhausted. Lonely. Afraid. Once again, I find myself taking a first step; admitting over and over that I am powerless over almost everything that matters. Like his dying. Last evening, listening to him stop breathing, then gasping for air in a desperate ripping, tearing cacophony of gurgles and rattles, we all just wanted his struggle to end, but also didn’t want him to die. We willed him release while longing for more time. But, once again, we were not in charge, and we had to admit we were powerless over my beloved’s life and death. After hospice had come and removed all of the stuff of his illness, the house felt both empty and strange. Just as we were ready to sit down and rest, a looked passed between us and we burst into a flurry of activity. Lost in our grief, we felt compelled to exert some control over our world turned upside down by cleaning and rearranging furniture. I attended my first 12 step meeting wanting to fix my kids. What I learned is that the only person I can fix is me and no matter what I do, I always have to start with step one…admitting that I am powerless and my addiction to control not only messes me up, but everyone around me as well. Tonight, our first evening without him, without his wheelchair, walker, hospital bed, urinals, bed pads, and other end of life clutter dominating the space, I find myself wondering how I would have arranged our life if I’d had that option. A part of me wishes I could have prevented him from suffering the ravages of rheumatoid arthritis and the agony that accompanied our family addictions, but then our story and experiences would have been very different. He would be not be the man he came to be; we would not be who we all are today. In our desire to avoid suffering we forget that struggle and suffering enlighten us, gentle us, make us a tad less judgmental, fill us with gratitude. I remember how my mother wailed in despair “how can I live without Howard?” when my dad died. Now I am wailing, “How am I to live without Earl?” Somehow life goes on, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. For now, it is enough that the girls are here with me. I am surrounded by life and chatter, tears and laughter. We prayed his table grace; “Lord have mercy on us. Keep us safe, sane, sober, and serene. And thanks for this food.” Then we promptly burst into tears. Yes, the time is fast approaching when I will be alone, but praise be to God, I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, a warm accepting church, my faith, the 12 step program, and a head full of grateful memories. That’s more than enough.