We all need boundaries if we are to flourish. The Cambridge English Dictionary says a boundary is a real or imagined line that marks the edge or limit of something. It’s where one thing ends and another begins, such as the limit of what someone considers acceptable behavior.
We not only need boundaries to be healthy, we need to know what our boundaries are and to be sensitive to others’ boundaries. For us codependents, that becomes a problem as we’ve never learned how to create and maintain healthy boundaries. In fact, the social areas that trouble or anger us most are almost always the areas in which we need clearer boundaries.
When we get caught up in enabling behaviors we are demonstrating our need for clearer boundaries. Many of the problems that arise between men and women are related to unclear boundaries. Men who inappropriately touch and hug women have unhealthy boundary issues, just as women who allow men to invade their space have equally unhealthy boundary issues.
Defining our boundaries becomes a lifelong challenge. There are many reasons we have weak boundaries – with fear of rejection a big one. Growing up in dysfunctional families leads to weak boundaries. For the codependent, then, boundary work becomes very important. Learning to identify behaviors that lead to weak boundaries is critical if we are to 12-step our way to recovery. Here are some of the enabling behaviors that are directly related to weak or unidentified boundary issues:
—denying what is happening,
—justifying bad behavior and irresponsibility,
—avoiding problems or minimizing problems,
—being overprotective, doing for others what they need to do for themselves
—-using drugs and alcohol to avoid feeling our feelings,
—blaming, shaming, criticizing,
—Controlling behaviors such as taking over another’s responsibilities, insisting on having your own way, etc.
—Feeling superior or inferior
–Invading personal space…getting too close, touching inappropriately, etc.
We all need healthy boundaries if we are to flourish and enjoy life. It’s important to recognize that while our boundaries need to be fluid, depending on the situation, any time we are feeling ill at ease, troubled, or angry in a social situation, it’s time to check our boundaries.
Here is an example of boundary issues: I’ve recently become aware of my growing discomfort when around someone I considered a close friend. Having grown up in a home where we didn’t hug, I’ve never been a hugger. Years ago I recognized that my stepping back when someone tried to hug me was off-putting for them, so I’ve been working at becoming more comfortable with allowing people to hug me. But there are some whose hugs have stopped feeling friendly and have taken on sexual overtones. My first recognition that something feels inappropriate to me is usually anger and discomfort, and then avoidance. How much better to tell the other how I feel when they invade my space by touching and hugging me without permission. While I am not responsible for how they might respond when I confront them and share my feelings, at least I will have done my part by clarifying my own personal boundaries needed to maintain an otherwise meaningful relationship.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen