It snowed last night, and the birds are busy at the feeders. It’s as if they perch in the trees, just waiting for me to put out food. By the time I am inside, they are sweeping in, chattering and fussing at each other to move over.
My father would be so pleased I’ve taken to feeding the birds. He was an avid birder and kept lists of all the birds he’d seen. He was also passionate about wildflowers. His dream was to be a biology teacher, but his father had other plans for him, and being a good son, he complied. While successful, he was never happy as a businessman as his heart lay in the great outdoors.
How often do we allow others to dictate what we are to do and who we are to be, expecting us to live up to their expectations? While we need to be sensitive to others, our life is our life, and we are the only ones who can live it. Gratitude, I suspect, comes as we honor ourselves and learn how to live comfortably in our own skins. When we try to live up to another’s expectation for us we tend to become angry and difficult.
I’ve often wondered what all is implied in the commandment that we honor our father and mother and that our days may be long in the land. Does that mean that we live in their shadow, remaining obedient children long into adulthood? Or does it mean something else altogether? To somehow respect them in spite of their brokenness? I suspect family resentments get passed along from generation to generation, which is not a good way to honor our parents and forefathers. Grudges are only good for the moment, and the sooner we can let them go, the better we will be. It’s not so important that we be right, as it is for us to be kind and loving and forgiving, not for the other’s sake as much as for our own.
My friend had an abusive and unhappy mother who made her growing up difficult. She tried hard to bring her mother some happiness, but her mother’s wounds seemed just too deep. Yet my friend loved her mother, and in her mother’s last days, she cared for her. In so doing, she discovered that her mother loved her as much as she was able to do so after all. Not only that, she discovered that by honoring her mother in her last days, she was doing something beautiful for herself.
We humans are complicated creatures, and we do well to give others the benefit of the doubt, even if we oftentimes need to keep our distance from those who are toxic and abusive. There’s always a reason why some folks are so very miserable to be around. While it’s not our job to rescue them, it is all the more reason why we need to do our own homework so that we can be comfortable in our own skin. When we can love ourselves, we can receive what others say and do without feeling personally violated, no matter how ugly. Instead, we receive it as important information they are giving us about them, not as a reflection on us. When we can do that and separate ourselves from others’ words, deeds, expectations, etc., the world is filled with beauty, and our hearts can overflow with gratitude and love.