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The Golden Rule

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I grew up believing that I, as a good little Mennonite girl,  should always put others first.  My role in life, I believed,  was to be compliant and attentive to others, to adopt the servant role in all I do, and to always put others first, something which never came easy. Consequently, if I had a quarter for each time I was told as a kid to practice the golden rule, I’d be rich today.  

Everything we do and say has consequences, and not always the intended ones,  There’s a lot of truth in that old cliche, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.”  The unintended consequence of having been taught to put others first was I came to believe that to do that I had to devalue myself and my needs.  Years ago one of my spiritual advisors gave me the assignment to buy myself some expensive underwear for no other reason than that of pampering myself.  I couldn’t do it then, and I can’t do it now.  Self care, I find, is a delicate dance between selfishness and self affirmation.  All too often I can’t tell the difference.  

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One of the first lessons I learned in my journey with the 12 steps was that I couldn’t respect others, their situations, feelings,  and needs until I valued my own. I may have started attending meetings because I wanted to fix the addicts in our family,  but the wonderful people in those rooms quickly dis-abused me of that fallacy. 

Not having understood the wisdom underlying the golden rule, I had sought to meet my needs by living vicariously through my children and husband,  manipulating and controlling them and situations in the hopes of changing them, not myself…which never really worked.  It was only after giving myself permission to be happy and to work on my own issues, even when the world seems to be falling apart around me, that I became more accepting and supportive of others. 

It is only as I can forgive myself for my failures and selfishness that I can forgive others for theirs.  It is only by accepting myself, warts and all, that I have stopped expecting others to be more together than I am.  It is only as I value myself, that I can value others and not be disappointed when they make mistakes.   It is only as I can put myself into another’s shoes that I can be generous and giving.

The challenge inherent in The Golden Rule and the Great Commandment –”Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” and “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, and soul, and your neighbor as yourself “– is recognizing I can’t really love and accept others until can I love and accept myself.  It’s when I start devaluing and doubting myself that my old fears of not measuring up, of not being good enough, raise their ugly heads.  Consequently, I often find myself praying, “Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on us all…but especially those I find it hardest to accept.”

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