One of the unspoken realities of any serious illness is fear. Fear of dying, Fear of being helpless. Fear of the unknown. Fear of not getting better. Fear of pain. Even when we convince ourselves that we are not afraid, fear lurks in the dark corners of our minds. It burrows into the recesses of our psyche. I’d like to say that in the past weeks, I was not afraid, but that would be untrue. When I didn’t snap back as quickly as I’d expected, my unacknowledged anxiety increased. What if I never got better? What if this is the start of my life decline? What if I remain dependent? What if I have to use the walker long-term? What if my sleeplessness gets worse? But, instead of naming and claiming my fears, I stuffed them and put on a good face, even though I was losing ground.
I am blessed to have a GP who is kind, attentive, and informative. He answers questions without glossing over the problems or difficulties. He addressed my lack of appetite and insomnia. He shared test results and said it was crucial I undergo some more tests.. When I went to see him, I was anxious, but I left encouraged and once again comfortable in my own skin.
One of the dangers of fear is that it can easily take control and affect everything we think, do, and feel—to the point that fear engenders more fear, creating its own reality and consuming everything else. A little fear can be good when it signals that something is wrong or out of balance. But fear, unchecked and unexamined, becomes terror, and terror becomes panic, which creates emotional and physical chaos.
Having the doctor speak to my spoken and unspoken fears helped me move from darkness to light. Comfort and reassurance, you see, don’t come from avoiding our fears but from facing them head-on. And that demands courage, the kind of courage that is not bravado but is rooted in hope and optimism. Most of us can face anything once we know what we are facing. It’s the not knowing that leads to fear and panic. That’s precisely why I love the definition of courage as fear saying its prayers.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Sending prayers, hugs, and wishes for the best, Joyce.
Life is unpredictable, yet God is always there with us even if/when things go awry. In the meantime, I’ve always enjoyed looking at nature and seeing all the beauty that is out there. We often overlook it on ordinary days. It’s so “ordinary” then, but when one seizes the day, usually because we don’t know what tomorrow will bring, it’s spectacular (to me).