Letting go

It’s a beautiful September morning.  The weather has been absolutely amazing.  Warm sunny days and cool nights.  I turned the air conditioner off in late August, and my ventilation system has become open windows. There’s something about sleeping with the windows open that feels wonderful.  As the night cools down the deeper I snuggle into my covers.   Cool mornings like this inspire me to not only work outside putting parts of the flower beds to sleep but to start working again in my sewing room.   Today the rest of my houseplants come inside, with many going to our upcoming yard sale at church.

My eyes aren’t working so well this morning.  Time to go wash them out again, I guess.  I had an appointment on Thursday with the eye doctor and we had a lengthy discussion about dry eyes and macular degeneration.  Not that our talk solved my issues but at least I have a better understanding of what is happening.  Knowledge, after all, is power.  My daughter suggested that we explore red light treatments,  something she’s been researching that is used extensively in Europe to treat both conditions.

When we were in Ohio I broke down in front  of the girls  and cried about my fears of going blind.  I’ve taken my eyesight for granted, and now it reminds me that the ability to see, hear, walk, read, sew, cook, etc., are blessings to be treasured.  I’ve had plenty of  troubles and challenges in my lifetime, but this sight thing is really throwing me.  I”m both frightened and challenged.  It’s one thing to talk about trust, it’s another thing to actually practice trust.  I am well aware my first challenge is accepting my situation.  My second is letting go of the fear.  I’ve been so dependent on my eyes, reading, writing, etc. that I can’t comprehend not being able to do so.  Things can be arrested, they assure me, if not cured, and that would be fine.  Besides there are so many tools available for the seeing impaired.  Talking books, for instance.

Life is filled with challenges, some we can fix, some we can’t.  But no matter how large or small, we have to get out of our way if we are going to make any progress.  It’s our fear and mistrust that gets in the way.  Letting go is hard work.  It’s so much easier to worry about everything that could go wrong than to step forth in faith, praying for the acceptance and grace to let go and let God…which definitely does not mean doing nothing.  Letting go is all about analyzing our situation, then letting go of specific worries, our what ifs, fears, overactive imaginations, etc so that the new can be recognized, tested, embraced.

One thing I’m learning from this experience, however.  I have to give myself time to grieve the losses that go with aging.  I have to face my fears and realities and give myself permission to be sad. Gradually losing one’s mojo is not easy.  But it can also be exciting and beautiful if we allow it to be so.  I am slowly learning to depend more on people, to ask for help, to focus on friendships, family, faith relationships. I’m buying stronger light bulbs to help me see and exploring a magnifying light box for reading.  No matter how tough things get there is always something we can do to improve the situation, even if it is only practicing gratitude and focusing on all the pluses in our life.   Interesting isn’t it that I wrote,”even if it is only practicing gratitude and focusing on the pluses in our life” when that is the key to all true happiness.