Meaning and purpose

 Meaning and purpose.  We all need to have something that gives meaning to our lives.  Both my husband and I were doers in our active lives. Even though he was terribly crippled with rheumatoid arthritis, he found his purpose as an accountant.  He served as the bookkeeper/treasurer for many organizations and did taxes for friends and family.   Even on hospice, he continued to do taxes until he simply couldn’t.  That evening in March, when he wheeled himself out of his office saying, “I can’t find my mistake. You’ll have to take this return to H&R Block,” we watched the fight leak out of him.  He died five days later.  Having a purpose is important.

Now I’m reaching that stage when many of the things I’ve done that gave purpose to my life are no longer possible. As I’m letting go of the many activities that gave meaning to my life I’ve been struggling to find something to take their place. To be truthful I’ve been fighting depression.  It’s one thing to feel my feelings, it’s another thing to plum them for the message they are giving me.  It’s not enough to feel; we have to explore them and find meaning in and for our feelings.   I may be an old woman who is finding walking increasingly difficult because of back issues, but that does not mean I have nothing to offer the world or I stop walking.  Like my husband, I have to find less active ways of contributing to the world.

Finding meaning and purpose is becoming more difficult with the evolution of technology and AI.   I feel for our young people who see technology taking over the world.  Many are going into gaming as that is one way many kids are spending their time, but how purposeful are games?  Yes, they are fun and excellent ways to relax, but compulsive gaming is more of an addiction than a purpose.   One of the appeals of drugs is they blot out their fears and anxieties.  We are caught between two cultures and ways of seeing and being, and the outcome is unclear.

I have no advice for the future.  I am too rooted in the past and antiquated ways of being.  I can barely use my cell phone, let alone more complicated technologies.  I get frustrated that I  am being asked to communicate with my doctors via ports and computer programs.  I’m still attuned to face to face communication.  So here I am, quickly approaching my 88th birthday actively seeking new ways to create meaning and purpose in my life.  The less active I become the more I  need to focus on relationships, and yes, learning new technologies such as talking books, Kindles, etc.   As long as I can see and hear I am determined to dwell in the land of books.  Books have always been my friend; it’s just that I need to change their form as my eyes become less dependable.

Another thing I’m learning.  Many older folks are lonely.  Yes, transportation is a problem, but I am finding that inviting friends and neighbors to enjoy a potluck at my house is a sure winner.  Rarely do folks turn me down.  Taking the initiative is one of the ways I am finding meaning.  I am also fortunate that my daughter is making herself available to drive me so that I can do other things.

We all have to find our own meaning and purpose in life.  Good as God is, He will not drop answers on our heads without doing our part.  We have to probe our feelings and our unhappiness to find the answers we are looking for.  Which reminds me, it is time to make a casserole for our food pantry luncheon.  While I’m no longer able to help with the distribution I can still do this.  And I intend to keep doing what I can as long as I am here in this beautiful world God has given us.