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Self Pity and gratitude do not make good bedfellows.  They are opposites, two perspectives that are pitted against each other.  Both are valid, but each leads to far different results.  Finding the balance between acceptance of one’s limitations and self-pity is one of the major challenges of aging, for as our bodies fail us while our minds stay active, there is a war that rages within. How do we balance the two realities that we face….lagging energy and overactive minds?

If you have been following me with any consistency you are well aware that I’ve been struggling with the challenges of growing older. Only last evening, after talking with a dear friend, did I realize my two selves had not made peace with each other.  But that is not a situation limited to oldsters.  All of us struggle with this in every stage of life.  How do we balance our inner and outer lives?  

When we are younger we are often so busy that we don;t have time to be bored or to realize that there is a part of us screaming for recognition and fulfillment.  The outer me and the inner me.  The fleshly me and the spiritual me.   From infancy on we are taught that busyness, like cleanliness,  is next to Godliness, and to some degree that is true,  but it all depends on how and on what we choose to devote our time and energy..

As I spent another sleepless night I decided that my major problem is primarily one of boredom, a new experience for me..   The things that have given life meaning in the past are losing luster.  My sight issues make reading and working at the computer more difficult. The TV holds little interest.  Cooking, for one, holds little appeal, so the temptation has been to slide into self-pity rather than becoming more intentional about practicing gratitude.

I am in remarkable shape for 87, even if I do have sleep and back issues.  I can still take walks.  I can still revel in the earth’s amazing beauty.  I can still manage small spurts of outdoor gardening.  I can still do most of my own housework with some help from our daughter.  But these activities do not feed my soul, and as a friend said yesterday, the closer we come to the end of our lives, the more important our soul work becomes.  The old is being sloughed off, but the new one is yet to come.  My current state of discontent, I suspect,  is finding creative ways of loving the world so that, selfishly, there is only room in my heart for gratitude and praise.